i was diagnost 2 years ago. funny thing was, i was on holiday from school. for some reason, i saw a card of free testing. something told me to go and check, do i did. it was the first time and only time i got check. i was thinking to myself, that it would be negative.

The nurse was a nice guy a few years older than me. he was talking about what i would do if i was positive if suicide was something i was thinking of, ijust pushed it off, because killing myself was so far out there. i had a future that was waiting to come. the the result came, i was shocked. it was positive. i felt void of feeling, just empty. the test was done 2 times infront of me, but still it was the same result.

the thing is, i'm a nurse. or at the time a student nurse. i was thinking of maybe helping people. but now here i was a patient that i myself wanted to help.

after the test the nurse gave me a number, and told me to meet him again for a more extensive work up. after leaving the building, i wandered aimslessly. there was a parknear by thatwas near my old primary school. i just wandered.

that was 2-3 years ago. just this year, i graduate as a nurse, but was severily thin and sick. after the extensive 2 years back, i left the country to study again, cramingmyself in school. gettting stressed and sick, thinking it would take 10 years give or take for me to get sick. i was sorely mistaken.

i am better now, and about to get the results of my licensure exam as a nurse. my parents know about me. my mother is supportive. my father when i was in the hosipital recovering, he was the one who help me to shower, dried me and etc. me feeling like i was a baby again.

but even though i am better now, for some reason i can feel my father's disappointment. i am bi/gay (not sure) and am also the eldest. i am christain. i don't want to be gay/bi. i want to have a family. i want to have a normal life. i don't know why i like guys, i used to like girls.

for whoever is reading this, i'm just venting. i've signup for this site 2 years ago. funny why i've only used it now……..

  1. keithg 9 years ago

    great blog….thank you for sharring….we are all human no matter who or what we like and love..you just keep being strong and being who you are…We are all special in our own given ways….



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  2. patie 9 years ago

    such is life. most of us when we tested we thot we were negative. i can imagine you being a nurse how it feels like. anyway you have so much knowledge on how to take care of yoself infact you are in a better position. hope you will be a blessing to your patients. hope you will live long to achieve all your dreams. good luck and keep healthy.

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