Organized chaos is the best way to describe how my mind works. I can have a half-hour conversation with someone and somehow talk about 20 different subjects. To me, when I’m doing it, it’s a smooth transition from one subject to another. When I leave, I feel like an annoying idiot to bounce back and forth on so many topics. I try so hard to get people to understand what I’m telling them. I want to get it out just right. I want to be able to tell them in a way that they feel like they were there, or have the same emotions as I do. My rituals are hidden from most. I’m big into movies. I’ll find a part in a movie that is either so funny,cool,sad, or so damn uplifting, that at night I’ll watch that part over and over, trying to get the feeling back from the first time I saw it. The same way with music.If it didn’t feel right listening to the first minute, I’ll start it over and try and “experience”it just the right way. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m losing my wife to drugs, losing my kids because I can’t focus enough to go settle for any job. I’m occcupying my mind with problems to solve that have nothing to do with my situation. I’m avaoiding the real problems by looking for answers to problems that don’t belong to me. I think and think and almost all that I think and ponder have no relevence to my issues. Ever wonder how many hours you’ve spent watching tv? how many movies you’ve seen,and how many you watched more than once or twice? How many people do we meet in our life? If our society and the time we live in we know so much compared to hundreds of years ago, why does it appear that they lived better lives with less problems? Are we too smart for our own good? So what if we ever hear a signal a billion light years away, how will that save our planet from destroying itself? Why is it that we went to Iraq to make americans safer, and now more people have died in Iraq than on 9-11? How would failure there make America any more likely to be attacked? guess what?people want to attack America. Those people in Iraq fighting against each other don’t have the resources to plan an attack here. Why didn’t we stay in Afghanistan until the job was done and we found Bin Laden?
I’m too tired to keep going. good night.

Brian