Never posted before, never liked talking about this blasted curse. I have severe ocd and it ruins pretty much every aspect of my life, my form of ocd is cleaning, thinking things are contaminated and so on. I had a reoccurring dream last night, where in i was with my ex-girlfriend again. We wernt doing anything overtly sexual in the dream, just sitting aroung on my couch holding her like we used to. Being with her was the only time in my cursed life i have ever been content and happy, she left me due to an ocd related issue. She touched something i considered "contaminated", i didnt want to explain to her or make her do the ocd routines to make her uncontaminated, i thought i could just get over it. I was wrong.I started not touching/holding hands as much, i knew in the back of my mind this was destroying the relationship but we ocd people tend to live in denial, or at least i do/did. It ended in a worst way i could have imagined. One day after having spent the night at my place, she left much earlier than usual, i asked if i could stay overnight with her in a few days, she said yes. I never saw her again. She had left cloths, jewerly and her own personal food that she had made me promise not to eat, which i didn't, it sat in my cupboard for 10 months.
I wake up . . . realizing we are not together. It hurts so much, i want to die so badly i pray for it. As if maybe in death i can live in that dream forever. I dont want anyone else, nor do i want to have a go with somebody else. I know my ocd will just ruin the relationship again and i refuse to put myself through the gut wrenching pain again. She took my happiness with her when she abruplty left. Now i drown myself in alcohol to numb my hellish reality.
Whats the end game to my life experience? being anxious, uncomfortable, and constantly alone. I ask god for answers or least a direction, of which i have none. So i ask the tribe this, is there a point to life with severe ocd? is there a reason to live whilst having an incurable curse that ruins everything?