Never posted before, never liked talking about this blasted curse. I have severe ocd and it ruins pretty much every aspect of my life, my form of ocd is cleaning, thinking things are contaminated and so on. I had a reoccurring dream last night, where in i was with my ex-girlfriend again. We wernt doing anything overtly sexual in the dream, just sitting aroung on my couch holding her like we used to. Being with her was the only time in my cursed life i have ever been content and happy, she left me due to an ocd related issue. She touched something i considered "contaminated", i didnt want to explain to her or make her do the ocd routines to make her uncontaminated, i thought i could just get over it. I was wrong.I started not touching/holding hands as much, i knew in the back of my mind this was destroying the relationship but we ocd people tend to live in denial, or at least i do/did. It ended in a worst way i could have imagined. One day after having spent the night at my place, she left much earlier than usual, i asked if i could stay overnight with her in a few days, she said yes. I never saw her again. She had left cloths, jewerly and her own personal food that she had made me promise not to eat, which i didn't, it sat in my cupboard for 10 months.

I wake up . . . realizing we are not together. It hurts so much, i want to die so badly i pray for it. As if maybe in death i can live in that dream forever. I dont want anyone else, nor do i want to have a go with somebody else. I know my ocd will just ruin the relationship again and i refuse to put myself through the gut wrenching pain again. She took my happiness with her when she abruplty left. Now i drown myself in alcohol to numb my hellish reality.

Whats the end game to my life experience? being anxious, uncomfortable, and constantly alone. I ask god for answers or least a direction, of which i have none. So i ask the tribe this, is there a point to life with severe ocd? is there a reason to live whilst having an incurable curse that ruins everything?

4 Comments
  1. marnella 8 years ago

    Hi – I live with severe germ/contamination ocd too, and it has nearly ruined my marriage. My life is not the same nor is my marriage and there are days I ask the same question you are asking – but then I know the awnser is YES….life it worth living, and this is a managable disease – have you tried therapy, ERP's, meds? Dont give up ever, even if you have tried it all and nothing worked – you have made it this far, so you can make it farther. I know the loss of your relationship hurts like hell and it compacts your ocd, trust me, but never, ever give up….Im here if you need support – message me

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  2. Jammer 8 years ago

    Hey man, very sorry to hear about your struggles. I know the loss of relationship hurts but life is worth living. There are people who love you for you and can learn to help and support you. You have everyone here for support also and you are not alone. I was pondering what the point and answers for this OCD were also very recently. I spoke to my pastor because I felt like if I trusted God enough than I wouldnt have OCD. He told me that God loves us all and sometimes even though he can fix it if he wants, maybe we are allowed to continue to suffer some in order to grow our faith stronger and overcome. You can overcome 🙂 I am seeing some very positiveresults lately so I believe we can fix this.

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  3. Dragonwalker 8 years ago

    It is late and I am tired, but I will message you tomorrow. I had a similar awful experience and my OCD is also contamination. Although my OCD is really bad right now, I HAVE had times when it has almost gone and I believe it will get better again and I will be ready to see the signs to prevent it from coming back (last time I didn't create the tools to help with this, whereas this time I plan on getting the tools ready once I am well again).

     

    There IS hope!!!

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  4. JACK_FROST 8 years ago

    i appreciate the understanding comments guys, thank. Answering a couple of your questions, no i do not have family i live alone, and yes i have tried meds and therapy. I dont like therapists because if they really cared they wouldnt be so concerned with getting paid

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