Up until two days ago, i was certain about where i was going to live and about helpiny my family out, but I have been suddenly thrusted into the reality that that was all a lie. This has put me into a position of uncertainty. My mood write now is all over the map. on one hand i am depressed. When asked why i am depressed, i respond, "My WHole life of dealing with people other then me makes me depressed."

Looking back on the last 36 years does nothing but make me depressed and angry. When i think of times that are suppost to make me happy, they only make me really angry and poissed off. My whole life people have been throwing me away one after the other. When they need something, they act all buddy buddy, and when they get what they want they throw me away as if i were a disposible tool for them.

All I have ever wnated in life is a nice quiet life and some nice lady to care for and love and children to teach and help grow into people. I try to go out of my way to be nice, respectful, and considerate to others. I always put other peoples need before mine, but some how it always gets twisted around to make me out to be the wasteful , uncaring, and evil person, by the very same people that needed my help.

I have been trying to find a nice lady for over 21 years only to be laughe at, used, and left in financial ruin. I have given and given. I have taken my time, I have been more then considerate and understanding to the ladies, only to be shunned and tossed away as they throw themselves away to a lesser man. Only after the bum has ruined the ladies and I have to come in an make everything right, do i get a thank you, a peck on a cheek, and considerartion of a possible date. No the mere idea of me asking these same ladies for a lunch or date ends up being another death blow to my feelings.

People who are suppose to be my firends, and make tons of clains that they are, throw me away when the first moment avails themselves.

I am tired of all of this…

Alll i want to do now, is to go away from all of these people and live by myslef with no one. People just outright suck.

i feel if all of them were nuked, it would actually do the world some good. I am tired of having to fix dumb peoples problems, only for them to get into even more dumb problems. then only to use as an escape goat, when life comes crashing around them.

I really hate people… And i have never found any reason to like people yet. My parents, all i want to do is to lynch them for lying to me and using me. All the people who are suppose to be my firends, that convienently disappeared whne life came crashing around me because i was helping them.


  1. Iamhere 15 years ago

    I get tired of the world, and when I do, I sometimes retreat. However, I have found what I like to call pockets. Pockets of good things that I can enjoy alone. For example, I love my land, the trees, the deer, the outside. I love the cold dark nights and bright stars. I love the sound of the leaves blowing. Well, you get my drift. These are all mine to enjoy. I have a husband and children, but I have been through a horrific divorce from a very abusive first husband. I have been around and around with OCD/Depression/ANxiety/agoraphobia etc.  So I guess I am trying to say I know great pain. But, the strength of the human spirit prevails. Go forward with your life instead of looking backward. Don't set yourself up to be used and abused by people. Be good and kind and kindness will find its way back to you. There is a saying:"Kick me in the ass once-it is your fault, kick me in the ass twice, it is my fault". So Matt, start this minute with moving forward, find your own things to enjoy, don't waste time lamenting about the past.

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  2. mattbenjamin50 15 years ago

    thanks for the responses, I really appreciate it. I feel I will never be able to escape the need to help people, even when they don't want to be helped, or are clearly going down a path of disatrous consequences. I am starting to believe with extremem certainty, to be a hero requires a life a solitude and misery. Although you end up helping to move people in the right direction, the negative energy is just transfered to you. Kind of like energy and matter can never be destroyed nor created thing. I don't feel I hate the people , I hate the decisions they make to just give up, when they are so close to achieving their desried goal.

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