Fuck, may as well write some shit. Expression’s probably good. Haven’t been here for a while cause I hate everything to do with ocd. Seeing my psychologist at North Shore Stress and Anxiety Clinic in North Van two days a week has me doing constant little exposures so I just focus my shit on that. I still smoke the weed in the evenings and I know it’s not the best thing to do for a dude in my situation, but fuck it. I honesty don’t know what I’d do without it. It has saved me from suicide a couple times, but then again, if I wasn’t smoking regularily I may not be as depressed and thus not desire death. Who knows. Well actually I think I do know… My worst times have all been before was chronic. Never been in the psych ward since I started smoking. Never been in the psych ward since I’ve been an atheist as well. Never felt this much freedom since I gave up on god. I have zero meaning in life and am completetly nihilistic, but honestly, I feel free.
Speaking of free, I saw Crystal Castles at the commadore last night and felt pretty free of OCD, ie able to have an empy mind, meditation style. I attribute the quality of my emotion to the amazing show they gave us, and the large amount of attractive people dancing. Most of the time though, attractive people cause me to obsess on my inability to date or have any kind of relationship whatsoever. Any kind of planned outting with someone I admire causes me extreme anxiety; more than clonazapam can even handle. Shit, imagine not having clonazapam?? I’d definately jump. Kinda like weed. Weed and C-pam… my too drugs of choice, though I’ve never tryed any hard stuff cause I’d be addicted instantly due to my disgust with life.
Well, my roomate and cousin just walked into the room and due to the social anxiety of just having someone around right now in this mood I’m in has caused me to have a lapse of concentration so that’s it.
Peace and love to all,
Chad
I know what you mean about the nihilistic mindset-thing. That and hating everything related to OCD! Guh! I just get so sick of it! Sometimes it’s nice to ignore things that aren’t healthy per-say (i.e., the weed) and focus on what you need to do. Like you said, it’s saved you a few times and you might not be ready to ditch/decrease the stuff until other parts of your life are a bit less difficult to manage. Reading this, I get such a feeling of being ‘boxed-in’–as if there’s nowhere to turn where something won’t be…is ‘rough’ the word I’m looking for? My apologies. I wish that I could be more helpful, but my brain is rather fried at the moment.
P.s., Expressing things is good–keep writing. :3