i have always been extremely proactive about my OCD and TS, reading books, research the latest studies, looking at forums, trying different treatment types, seeing a psychologist, a neurologist, etc. so i've been under this impression that i'm really really open about my condition with those around me, and i'm really well-informed.

then on saturday we had some family over and our son was jumping all over and music was playing and everyone was having really energetic conversation, and i started just feeling inexplicably worn out – i get this way sometimes, from too much stimulus, i think what it is is that it makes my tics start working overtime and then i just feel physically drained from all my own movement, and i'm thinking about too much and counting things and tidying up after everyone i guess, so anyway i usually just get more and more run down from it and endure the whole thing because i don't feel like having to explain something so hard to explain – this time i just excused myself saying i just had to get somewhere totally silent without lots of imagery flying at me because i felt so worn out.

so my fiance (george) was concerned and came up after me a bit later to check on me, was worried i hadn't been enjoying myself or something, and obviously i didn't want him to think that so i took the time to try and explain it and he was very understanding and left me to it, and i felt much better later.  and he said, 'oh, you've never told me that happens, before.'  i was really surprised, i thought, but i tell you everything, don't i?  and then i just realised how much i actually do keep to myself even from people i share everything else with, because i don't have the energy to sit down and explain it all.  but that's just self-defeating, isn't it? because think of all the times before when i could have just said i need to go alone somewhere quiet for a while, rather than forcing myself to go through something unhealthy for me – if only i'd just explained this years ago! 

and then i come on this site and i'm reading all the different obsessions people have, and i'm recognising a lot of them as things i do but never thought to identify as part of the ocd, though now i'm like, duh ? and so much of my random anger and frustration is actually from not being understood about a lot of things i didn't understand myself, so of course i couldn't explain them, but wow when i think of all the arguments and tears i could have spared myself if only i knew these things and just took that extra time to explain it all to relevant people. 

i guess it doesn't matter how many books i've read or how much self-analysing i've done or even how many drs i've seen, there always seems to be something i've missed – but i've really got to start sharing them more as i get to know them.


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