Phew. Ok I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now. It looks like I’m off to China by myself, but I can deal with it. When I first realised I was going to be by myself I thought about how easy it would be to kill myself over there, but I’m over that now. If I cancelled my holiday just because my sister can’t come along then it will still be another two weeks before I can return to work (due to my roster). I can’t handle two weeks at home, so I’m better off being in a strange country where I can’t speak or read the language. I don’t mind being different, it’s just feeling different that I hate.
I’m still not sure how I’m going to cope over there, but I think I can work it out along the way. I’ll be fine once I trip over into travelling mode. Hell I change personalities each time I fly back to work, there’s no reason I can’t become pro-active etc. during my travels.
I’m glad that my sister won’t be there in some ways – it sorts out that weird vision I had quite nicely. I’m pretty sure my grandma won’t die while I’m gone, but even if she does I don’t feel bad for leaving her. I probably should’ve gone to see her tonight, but I’d prefer to sort out a bit more travel stuff – if I get over there with no plans whatsoever then I’m likely to have an episode.
My family keeps telling me they will send me regular updates via email, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I won’t be checking my emails while I’m over there. It’s only three weeks, and in the unlikely possibility that she does die I don’t see a reason to return for the funeral. It would be nice to support my Mum, but I can’t offer a fraction of what my sister can.
I hate the fact that I can be supportive of everybody except the people closest to me. If there is an issue at work then I’ll jump in and have a chat about it, but the moment something happens within my family I run. They will see through me I know it. I can bluff my way through things when I’m with people I don’t know, but the moment it’s about somebody that has known me for more than a couple of years I turn dead inside. How did I help my Mum deal with her mother’s illness? I gave her a couple of books to read and then left the country.
Yes I’m still isolating myself from my family. Yes I’m still running away from home. But you know what? We’re talking about a whole other country over there. I’ll be meeting new people, eating new food, potentially getting my stuff stolen, and it will be good for me. Assuming I don’t have an episode and kill myself over there.
It beats sleeping in the back of my car anyway. This is a much better hiding spot.