I hate this feeling I always get…I don't know why I have to be like this. My boyfriend got a new job and he works really long hours and I only have a part time job so I work like 4 to 5 days a week for no more than eight hours a day and now I have all this spare time to sit around with my own thoughts and my huge nothing to do and I hardly get to see him and he tells me he's too tired to come over tonight and it feels like the whole damn world is going to end I can't stand it. It gets hard to breathe, I want to cry, I feel so panicked and freaked out inside I want to hurt myself. So frustrated, I lose all desire to do anything else with my night except sit and cry and for what? It's like I can't even keep a good grip on reality.
I ended up hanging out with my "best friend" today and it was fine for like ten minutes then I couldn't stand being around her…Hell I could hardly pretend I enjoyed it. The last half hour was me just cracking jokes about shit and telling her shit that upsets her because she takes everything with a grain of salt. The only person I can stand spending time with can't and it feels like i'm about to spiral out of control. I wish I could fix myself, I really do. I feel unfit for life and relationships…Like I need to just live out the rest of my life like this with what I have now and just get it over with already. It's like my life started out as a drawing and along the way you made too many mistakes and the eraser marks just made it look worse and worse until there is nothing you can do to make it better and apart from destroying it, nothing much else you can do with it. So here I am, spiraling down and knowing all the ways I could have changed everything.
I keep thinking about him, wondering what he's doing. Sure it bugs me that he threatened me but I'm kind of waiting for him to say something again. But it won't make a difference. It's just like me to want to hold onto something I know I can't have anymore and run away from it when I actually had a chance.
To top it all off I've been avoiding my mother for a good couple weeks now. The last time I talked to her I broke down and just couldn't stand it anymore and listening to all her millions of voicemails makes it worse. It hurts too much to see her and hear her voice and how am I supposed to tell her that? Sigh…I'm so tired of feeling. I really want it to stop. I really want help but there isn't any for me.