So I am in a weird mood.  I have been having up and down anxiety and even attacks. 

It is that time of the semester I dread most….Finals.  I haven't had a very good semester.  I have been a straight A student for some time now and this semester my grades have significantly dropped.  I mean, I have to cut myself some slack because it was just this past summer I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and instead of enjoying my summer I spent it dreading my next panic attack.  I thought for sure that school would make everything better.  Being on a schedule, having plans, getting SO much closer to graduation.  However, it hasn't been that easy, in fact, it has been downright hell.  I guess though, thinking about it now, nothing worth gaining is done easily.

Im ready for therapy.  I am ready for counseling.  I am reading to open myself to the world.  I am so thankful for my mother for being there for me even on days that she is exhausted.  She is never judgemental and is always reminding me to breathe and to count my blessings. She is my entire world.

I have been doing things lately that I am not proud of.  I am drinking a lot more (not getting black out drunk and doing stupid things) but more of like a way of releasing my emotions.  I have a really hard time showng my emotions unless I lower my inhibitions and I know that is wrong and that is part of the reason I think therapy is exactly what I need in my life.

Things with James and I are great.  We have been bickering a bit lately but I think a lot of it has to do with my anxiety and my frustration. 

Everyday is a work in progress.  Im working toward progress in my life and I am thankful to have such wonderful people in my life to support me during hard times. I keep reminding myself of all of the things I have to feel thankful for, and the list is endless….it is just that sometimes I cannot FEEL the blessings, I can only acknowledge them.

Maybe that has to do with the depression that comes with anxiety.  This may be personal but I have been going to the bathroom 10 – 15 times a day, I jump when someone accidently touches me or I touch something by accident, I get chest pain and horrible nightmares.  I always want to nap and never think I am good enough.

I would say I am a work in progress.  Thank God I only have less than a week of school left.

God Bless!

Kay