Why I was so scared that the power was out is beyond me…
Today winds hit about 75 miles an hour. I was at work and all the pwoer just.. went out.. probably a power line down… Anyways I was fine at work until this happened and then thoughts started RACING through my mind.. So stupid.
I came home after that (no power no work) and the power is on here, but I'm freaking out that it's going to go out..
Not to mention my stomach has been hurting for 3 days straight. Its not like a sharp pain or anything.. just slight cramps and just kind of icky. I also have a decreased appetite. I konw I mentioned this in my last blog, but I've been obsessing about it and have convinced myself that I have colon cancer or something other.. Although this is probably all stress related. I'm also like a week late for my period (but i havent had sex wtf?!) soooo this has got me freaking out… this could also be stress related. Its like a bad cycle.. I worry about this stomach ache which gives me the stomach ache in the first place!! Ugh!! I have also had a mild headache and am constantly tired all hte time… When does this enddddddddddddddd. gahhhhhhhhhhhh
Did I mention that I hate doctors? For the mere fact I'm always afraid they are going to to come back into the room and tell me I have cancer or have to get some type of test that sends me to the hospital (IM TERRIFIED of hospitals…) Its kind of funny because you are safest at a hospital..
Why do I have to assume that everything is wrong with my body? I am a healthy 19 year old girl who doesn't smoke, has never had any surgeries, no broken bones, no chronic illnesses…nothing! But yet I assume that everything is wrong with me..
I also constantly worry about having an immune defeciency..Since I ALWAYS feel like I'm sick one way or another.
I never really considered myself a hypochondriac, but reading this blog I wrote.. my name should be in the dictionary after the damn word.
I wish that I could talk to someone about all of this. MY mom always tells me "Your fine.. just your anxiety… stop worrying about it." And my dad is convinced that I don't even have anxiety disorder.. he thinks I'm doing this for attention. My boyfriend tries to understand, but if you've never had it its really hard to explain to someone. That's why I have reverted myself to talking online.
This website has been such a blessing to me.. It seems that I can let all of my anger and frusteration out to everyone here, and it seems that everyone understands completely what I am going through and have been there. I"m not sure who is reading this, but I feel so blessed to be able to talk to people who dont think im crazy, or that its "all in your head." (I know…. thats the problem! hahah)
Sometimes I think about dying. (No, I'm not going to jump off of a bridge) Trust me, with my luck I would jump off of a bridge and become a quadreplegic.. LOL And soley for the purpose that God has a sense of humor…. But I think about it in a sense that I pray and hope that when I get to heaven (well.. if…) that all this fear and anxiety will be taken away and I can finally be in peace! gah, if only that would come on earth. Its weird because I am so ready to die and be happy, but I'm scared of dying.. lol.. im stupid..
It seems that the medication that I am on always makes me sleepy. I've been on Zoloft (only 75 mg) for about 4? 5? years.. man its been a long time. But for these past 4 or 5 years it seems that I am always sooooo lazy, and constantly tired. Like, I NEVER have a problem going to bed..even if I have sat in my bed all day. IT seems that I can never get enough sleep, even if I sleep for 14 hours.
I also sometimes find myself in a "zombie" sort of state. I'm not sure if that's the word i would use to describe it, but its like.. I'm totally like .. out of it. I'm in another world.. I remember when I was in school I would literally tune everything out and would almost "watch" myself doing my homework (but I could do math problems while this was all going on) Its like an out of world experience.. and since I've been taking my meds it has stopped quite a bit but they do happen alot. Especially in the shower.. It's like a feeling that I am two people.. Yes.. two people! It's like my body and my mind are disconnected into two different people. Am i crazy? hahah
Wow, talking about all of this and my stomach already feels better. 🙂
I did a bad thing about 10 minutes ago.. I actually went to google and typed in "stomach aches" and found I may have candida.. which is pretty much a bad yeast infection. I did some survey thing (it was pretty generic) but it seemed that everything they were describing was me to a T. I recently had a really bad yeast infection and took Monistat.. it seemed to clear up but my anxiety still remains (its never been this bad) and I have a stomach aches, chronic cough, head tension, inability to concentrate, feelings of unreality, bad breath, eczema.. may I continue. reading the side effects these are all side effects.. and considering I just got off of a high antibiotic.. and had a reall ybad yeast infection.. I should proabbly get that checked out, but ughh I hate doing it.
Gahh thats enough of me worrying about everything.. i need to quit looking at internet sites and stop convincing myself i have every disease known to mankind.