I’ve been really struggling lately, partly due to the weather, partly due to lonlieness, partly to a feeling that the grass is greener, and partly to plummeting low self esteem. It’s a slippery slope, and i know where it leads.

I feel torn between needing time to myself and getting out, I am confused about invites that my first reaction is to say no to, as the hosts just don’t get me, or my mood, and yet a need to share, a need to feel needed and wanted.

I want to move on, grow up, but i am caught up with childish feelings of feeling left out of the fun, that the grass is greener on the other side.

I look ahead and the negative overrides the positive, like wearing  blinkers, it’s hard to see past, to the joy. On those occasions do manage to see the good times that are coming, i have no attachment to them, no excitement, I may as well be thinking about a strangers plans rather than my own.

I’m tired, flat, feeling distant from James, ready to cry at the drop of a hat over nothing, and everything.

And underlying it all is fear, fear that now, when things are starting to go really well, when I have my diet, exercise and lifestyle all working to be of optimum benefit to my seretonin levels, that i still will crash, that no matter where i live or who i am with, that i will always crash.

Fear that no matter how well things start, they will always end really badly. It’s not the pain that I am afraid of, not the hurt or the anger, they have been constant companions in the past, and I know my way around them. It’s the joy, the excitement, the hope, the growing closer, the needing. 

The dropping of the very walls that sometimes are the only thing that keep me from stepping in front of a train.