I feel like someone kicked the sh*t out of, last night.  I don’t know how to do this.  But, I guess, I don’t really have to know what I’m doing.  I don’t have to understand anything, or think about next week, or next month, or even tomorrow.  Idon’t have to have anything figured out, yet.  I just have to keep fighting.  I just have to tell myself to breathe…

slowly…

deeply…

and try to relax.

I’ve bet everything on this, and I’ve let it ride this long…  and. somehow, I seem to be ahead. 

And, what’s the alternative?  I was seriously ready to off myself if I couldn’t kick – I couldn’t live this way, anymore.  I couldn’t handle seeing THAT, stretched out in front of me, endlessly, like my whole life was going to be the same empty, stupid, struggle. 

But, there are still moments when I feel so sh*tty, and I catch myself thinking, "Just one…  just something to take the edge off…"  rationalizing a hundred different ways…  telling myself one more, or less, in the scheme of it all…

But, no…  I know better.  I played the one-more-night-won’t-matter-game, for YEARS.  I know these impulses aren’t me talking.  It’s  the addiction and the bipolar disorder trying to get their mits around my throat, again.  Just like my dealer, trying so hard to get me to pick up the phone – he knows I’m getting better, and that I won’t need him, anymore, and he doesn’t want to lose all the money I blew on that shit. 

 Everything is riding on this.  Everything I am…  everything I could be…  everything I have, or could have…

I’ve thrown down, and put up my best [email protected] fight.  Now…  I just have to hold on.  I’ve come too far to give up, now.  And, I can’t disappoint the people who’ve believed in me – they want this so much for me.  Ace has given so much of himself to help me.  I can’t let myself hurt him, by fucking this up.  And, I don’t want to hurt myself, anymore, either.  I just have to see it through… one foot in front of the other…  and breathe…

slowly…

deeply…

and try to relax.

1 Comment
  1. Twired 11 years ago

    Good luck.

    Fighting is the hardest part. It seems that you are on top of shit.

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