I had a very bad night last night. I pretty much had it in my head that today I was going to cut myself and "and let the chips fall where they may". I had a suicide note done up and everything. I was ready. I cried alot last night.

Then, this morning everything changes.

My grandmother, whom is one of only 3 people in my family that I love more than anything is sick. She’s been suffering some back pain of late. She went to the drs, who orderd a xray and some scans. She got the results back today.. there is a very high possibility that she has cancer. Again.

My poor nan who has allready survived through breast cancer, and had a mastecomy for that, and then throat cancer- and now has a scar across her throat that looks like someone slit it. And not to mention the golfball sized brain tumor that she had when I was only months old. How much does one person have to go through????

I’m so scared. I really am. I hope beyond anything that it’s not cancer. I really really do. I don’t think the odds of that are good, concidering her history with cancer + the amout of cancer in my family. She has like 8 sisters and all of them have either had cancer, or died of cancer.

She resently had cateract surgery, and hasn’t been "herself" lately. I think that she may have some depression. Which is not like herself.

So how could I possibly do anything to myself today, I have to be here for nan. She’s going to need all the support she can get.

I’m so scared.

  1. deezel 13 years ago

    Hello – I would like to let you know that your Grandmother (nan) and yourself are in my thoughts tonight. I can also relate to what you have said about dying. More often than not I feel that death is the only way out of this battle. It sounds like your grandmother is very close to your hear, and she needs you. Cancer is indeed very scary. I have to tell you that I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in the battle with depression. I often look at people walking on the streets or in the grocery store ect., and wonder if they are sad too. You are not alone.

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  2. llamajam 13 years ago

    Thinking of you jac.  Please lean on your DT friends if you need to.  I”m always ready to listen

    xxx kate

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