I had a very bad night last night. I pretty much had it in my head that today I was going to cut myself and "and let the chips fall where they may". I had a suicide note done up and everything. I was ready. I cried alot last night.

Then, this morning everything changes.

My grandmother, whom is one of only 3 people in my family that I love more than anything is sick. She’s been suffering some back pain of late. She went to the drs, who orderd a xray and some scans. She got the results back today.. there is a very high possibility that she has cancer. Again.

My poor nan who has allready survived through breast cancer, and had a mastecomy for that, and then throat cancer- and now has a scar across her throat that looks like someone slit it. And not to mention the golfball sized brain tumor that she had when I was only months old. How much does one person have to go through????

I’m so scared. I really am. I hope beyond anything that it’s not cancer. I really really do. I don’t think the odds of that are good, concidering her history with cancer + the amout of cancer in my family. She has like 8 sisters and all of them have either had cancer, or died of cancer.

She resently had cateract surgery, and hasn’t been "herself" lately. I think that she may have some depression. Which is not like herself.

So how could I possibly do anything to myself today, I have to be here for nan. She’s going to need all the support she can get.

I’m so scared.