"I’m sitting here in the boring room
It’s just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I’m wasting my time
I’ve got nothing to do
I’m hanging around, I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
And I wonder"

So, I am home, and horribly depressed.  I want to shut down, completely.  I want to dive into a chasm, and disappear, but I know it’s the depression and the post acute withdrawal fucking with me.  I know this will pass, and it’ll probably pass quickly.  And, if I hurt myself, I’d be hurting some wonderful people who do not deserve that.  Ace definitely doesn’t deserve that, after all he’s done to help me.

And, he’d has done so much.  If I gave up, now, during a bad moment, like this, it would just wreck his heart and mind.  Even though I wouldn’t have to "live with" that, I can’t imagine causing it.  I could never intentionally hurt him.  He’s been so selflessly kind to me – I really feel like he’s saved my life.

"I’d like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely, I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
And I wonder "

People may have believed in me.  People were even there for me.  But, none of it was enough.  He came along, and gave me so much support, and checked up on me so often, and talked me through the worst patches (no matter how long it took – he’d keep talking until he was falling asleep).  I know my being ready to do this is a big piece of it, but without someone to hold me up when I was weak, that readiness wouldn’t have gotten me too far.  And, I don’t know why it helps so much, promising him.  Everyone knows that a promise is no cure for an addiction – if it were that simple, we’d all be cured.  But, it was like…  when I was too down to care about me, I still cared about keeping my word to my friend.  That mattered to me. 

And, he always seemed to know what to say.  (Incredibly wise for his years, actually.)  I can’t disappoint someone who managed to see the good in me when I was at rock bottom.  He met me when I was at my worst, and he still saw everything worthwhile about me – like it was all still there, and somehow wasn’t buried in all the fear, and doubt, and drugs, and pain.  All the sadness, and wanting to die (and planning on it)…  someone who saw something worth saving when I was at my absolute worst.  How someone could want to know me when I was such a sniveling wreck is just beyond me, but THANK GOD.  Sometimes, life, or fate, or God – maybe, just the randomness of the [email protected] universe (no philosophy – just equations that can map out the patterns of rose petals, and "the journeywork of the stars") – something manages to hand us the missing piece.  That thing we needed to get by, or get out, that we never had.  Maybe, we didn’t even know what it was, or that it existed.  But, it’s there, now.  And, it gives you more than you know how to handle, at times.  (Getting your life back, even in pieces, is so overwhelming.)

"I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me about the blue, blue sky
And all that I can see, is just a yellow lemon tree
I’m turning my head up and down
I’m turnin’ turnin’ turnin’ turnin’ turnin’ around
And all that I can see, is just another lemon tree"

Now, Charlie is playing guitar, and we are both singing.

We sing a couple songs.  Drink coffee, smoke, and then, he goes on another solo adventure ("a long walk" – he finds it "cathartic").  This is a new trend (the 2nd time, pretty much EVER).  We actually have plans for when he comes back.  I don’t fucking know.  How do you get on with it when the life you’re living is like a CD that’s skipping?  This situation is all about redundancy.  I know he still loves me, but…  I don’t know what any of it means, anymore.  (See?  It even makes me sound redundant.)  He said it was over, but he hasn’t addressed any of it since that first day.  The unclear nature of my presnt arrangement gives me a fair amount of pause, but given the PRECARIOUS nature of my situation, and the fact that I am successfully getting clean, I am hesitant to shake anything up, no matter how well-intentioned any such change might be.  You don’t rock the boat while you’re trying to sail away from peril.  And, what I’ve been doing, however unconventional and weird (maybe, even nuts at times) it may be, it’s been getting it done.  So, I guess, I’ll just let the whole crazy mess ride for now, and see where the f@ck I land.  Everything’s up in the air, right now.  I try not to think about what’s going to happen, a month or two from now.  Or, even a week or two from now.  I try to hide from everything, but the moment at hand – thats scary enough, believe me.  Between the PTSD, the bipolar disorder, and post acute withdrawal, I am [email protected] climbing the walls, sometimes.  Finally got the info I need to make a shrink appt.  About to try to do that.  Charlie was actually helpful (finally – website wasn’t working right, so he finally made the call to the insurance for me). 

My plans to eat better have yet to take hold.  Feel fat and disgusting…

"I’m stepping around in the desert of joy
Maybe any how I’ll get another toy
And everything will happen
And you wonder"

I’m visciously murdering time, instead of just killing it.  A polite silence can be savage.  Savage like a factory farm…  savage like corporal punishment (the last resort of the lazy, and idiotic).  As he buttons his sleeves, everything inside me sinks to the floor.  Why am I sad, exactly?  I can’t even tell you.  But, I know it’ll pass.  I just wish I could control these things, again.

When I feel something I don’t want to feel, I can’t turn it off, anymore.  

I am so damaged, scathed, and scattered. 

Can’t look down,

can’t look back,

can’t look too far ahead. 

Just concentrate on moving – one foot in front of the other,

and breathing.

Slowly…

Calmly…

Deeply…

and relax.  I’m gonna be okay. 

It’s all gonna be okay.

I don’t know how, yet.  I can’t see anything that’s up ahead with any [email protected] clarity.  But, it has to be better than the bottom.  And, I have to believe it will get easier.  It has to.

When you scuba dive in the Bahamas, the water is so clear, you can look up from 75 feet down, and the surface looks so clear, and close (like it’s 15 feet away, at the most), but if you break quickly for that surface, you’ll get hurt (possibly very badly hurt).  Because, you were in a lot deeper than you ever realized – because, at the time, it all seems so clear, and so beautiful.

At some point, I’ll make sense of my life, and knowing what it all means won’t terrify me.  I’m just not there, yet.  I’m still wandering, and lost, for the most part.

"I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me about the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just another lemon tree"

(Blind Melon, "Lemon Tree")

1 Comment
  1. Somecure 11 years ago

    ((((((((((((((Kitty)))))))))))))

    I”m so happy Ace is in your life…What a friend!!!  You deserve him because you are something special too.

    Wishing you peace in this moment,

    Don

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