Last evening, I felt upset and emotionally doubting many of my life decisions.   I doubted if I made the right choices in;

– not forgiving my ex boyfriend and moving on

-making the decision to date again

-not even considering the marriage proposal from the ex boyfriend  (he hurt me emotionally before and I couldn’t trust him)

– the age I opted to get married and the age that opted to have children

-what I put up with in the past from people that I wouldn’t tolerable at all today

I really wasn’t giving myself credit for what I did right.  I didn’t even do anything wrong but I am wiser each day that passes from life! It isn’t realistic not to wonder “what if….”

Things could be better and things could be worse now.   I made the best decisions possible based on what I knew at the time and some intuition.

People who don’t know me and go by assumptions see a woman who is married with 3 children, who is married, two dogs, two fish, a charming well landscaped / maintained (and decorated on the inside) house in the country.   Someone may look at me and see my nice clothes, healthy, shiny long hair and assume things about that as well.  Someone could assume that me not having a job makes me “lucky.” People tend to think that all married women who don’t have jobs are blessed financially.  They must not want to earn money or they would be working.  Also, I am kind and emphatic but am sick of being taken advance of but in real life I am very approachable.   People approach me and tell me their life stories and seem to feel better.   I end up feeling drained and tired from this.   I don’t know why strangers are drawn to me in real life, and confide their deepest secrets and then move on.  I am left feeling empty and drained.   It is like they steal my positivity and body energy because they walk away feeling better.  It is odd.   I know I have expressive, unique and kind eyes.   I even shop with sun glasses sometimes when I don’t want to be social at all.  If I take them off, I have gotten a line of people waiting to talk to me! It is a gift to make people feel better but what about my emotional health? I matter too! I end up feeling used by most people and thrown away.

I am a bargain shopper and know how to alter clothes to make them fit me to look high end.   I wear costume jewelry.  I decorate my house with items from thrift stores that were high end from someone else at one time.   I trim, color gray rinse, deep condition my long, shiny, healthy hair myself no hair dresser.   I wish I had a job but can’t find one in this area.  I would have to drive up a hour away to even look for one.  The odds of finding one to make it worth the gas money and destroying my car aren’t good.

I think fondly about the ex boyfriend and wish him well.  I wonder what might of been sometimes if I would or forgiven him and married him.

Now, I am about to put on one of my pretty dresses, put on make up, cook, clean, organize gather donate items and move my flower 🌸 seed sprouts and veggie seeds sprouts outside to the mini green house after watering them, and water my beautiful loved house plants and trees.

I wouldn’t mind having a local friend here but transplants from other places here will always be outsiders.  If you are kind, they assume you are dumb.  I love the question (not) where did you go to high school.  If you don’t say you want you went to the high school in this pathetic poor economy town, people look at you puzzled that there is a world beyond the city and state of where they were born.   The world isn’t flat.   Other places offer many jobs, activities for children, and a variety of stores! Crazy right!  If you are rude and abrupt, you are a local and one of them.

Last evening, I felt upset and developed a migraine.  Today, I feel drained from it.  It takes a few days to fully recover.

Thanks for listening!