Sometimes i wish I had the answers to everything and sometimes i dont want an answer to some questions I have. But today all i hear is silence from the other side. These days I am watching tv more, reading more, and crying more. I know I blog alot about being alone and the isolation I feel every day from time to time. I wish I could put my real life problems into a calculator and find some kind of answer or direction.

Im numb or I am going numb so I dont feel this intense loneliness and disappointment. I want to feel everything and nothing all at the same time. The parts of being a human is just exhausting for my brain these days, ive been sober for about three weeks now. But i crave the feeling to not feel anything sometimes. So these days I workout until my body aches. Ive lost alot of weight because Im depressed.

Im in love.. not the i love that you use to replace an empty spot in life. its a love I deserve to have from the beginning kind of thing. For now we arent talking for his personal reasons. But its so quiet that i can hear my own thoughts screaming at me, so quiet that my heart beat nosies tell me exactly how sad I am. It all aches, my mind, body and life. I sat on the floor crying because I have done all this work to be a better person. I have faced so many things that have made me toxic to other people. I have put in the work to not be self destructive so I can love someone properly. yet here I am alone still. I laid on the floor crying because I have no control over the current situation I am in. I am left to wait. My loyalty, promises and dignity are all being tested right now.

I wish I could talk to him. If i could talk to him this is what i would tell him:

-I thought about you the most when I would wake up alone, when I would be sitting at my desk looking out the window watching the sunset, when I am in the shower listening to the playlist I made for us and when I watch movies by myself.

-Today, yesterday and last week i know I was crying because I just needed a hug from you, If i could have any of the small things it would be to have a whole hour of you holding me and kissing me while I cry.

-I would tell him that I had weird dreams of cleaning and cooking for him like some domesticated wife which I hate that thought but if it meant having you then I would.

-I imagine you being in the crowd when I walk across the stage to get my diploma.

-When I am in the car alone I think about how we would always be holding hands, singing and laughing with one another.

-When it hurt so much not to be around you I would workout just to get you out of my mind and force my body to hurt instead of my heart.

-I would make up reasons to be angry with you so I can stop missing you or thinking about you.

-I thought about getting your initials tattooed on me. because I made an appointment to get a tattoo next week.

-I imagine what it would be like to go to work and come home to you at the end of the day.

-I think about what it will be like to find out we are having our first child, what we will name it and how youll be there to hold my hand.

-I think about your laugh and even after all this time I can still hear it along with that happy smile of yours.

So i wish I knew I was waiting for this person. But here I am falling in love with the potential of a person again, because I dont know who you are and you dont know who I am. I am waiting for you and its going on month two since I told you my real feelings but we have been scared to be together for 10 years. I am constantly thinking about the should of, could’ve, would of’s. but those hurt more then the reality of the time we wasted and the time we wasted with other people.

I miss you so much.. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much I want to throw up, I miss you so much I have to blog about it, I miss you so much I am angry with you, I miss you so much that I hate myself, I miss you so much but i feel betrayed, I miss you so much Im going to forgive you every time you hurt me, I miss you so much that if you dont choose me Im probably gonna wanna die, I miss you so much that If a year goes by and your not mines I am going to never love someone the way I love you again, I miss you so much that If you reject the idea of us being together sex is going to mean nothing to me again, I miss you so much that I will tattoo you name over and over on myself until my skin doesnt feel no more, I miss you so much life kind of just sucks.

I pray.. I havent ever prayed before in my life for anything or to anyone ever. But I have found myself praying for you, and about you. I speak the love I have for you into the empty space around me so I can get this feeling out of me so I can make it to tomorrow. It almost drives me insane enough to wish that when i close my eyes at night I hope I dont wake up in the morning. So please universe, god, or aliens. Let this man come back to me after he has dealt with the things he needs to deal with and comes back to me, please if he does come back to me let our love be strong enough to last for years until we are old, let this man be the man that helps me start our own family, Let this man be my soulmate and best friend, let this man be the person I end my day with for the rest of my life, let this man be the last man to ever kiss me, let this man be the man who destroys this loneliness inside my heart that exist because of him. Please with everything inside me I am praying for this one thing, please