Yesterday was another anime club meeting. This time I took some Xanax before going and it did make a big difference. I'm just supposed to take it if there's some event that's going to make me really anxious, so I usually don't take it at all since I'm so highly medicated already, I'm not eager to take anything else. But I decided to do so, and see if it made a difference. And it did.

During the last meeting I had actually called out to someone and they came and sat next to me. Which are two small things which are hugely significant. I can't remember how many years it's been since I actually spoke to someone without them talking to me first. Usually the only time I speak is when someone asks me a question, and I just answer the question and that's that. Actually a lot of times people will talk to me but not directly ask me a question, so I don't respond at all. I'll just nod or "hmmm." Which always makes me feel very rude…

Anyway, it was also the first time in forever that someone actually came and sat next to me. For someone who has only ever sat alone and talked to no one, this is very big. I might actually be making friends.

So yeah, the Xanax helped me remain much calmer than usual. Like how I'm supposed to breathe deeply to calm myself down, I never think of that because the anxiety just blocks everything else out. But this time I remembered. And while walking to and into the classroom, whereas usually my heart is beating like crazy, it wasn't at all this time.

And I was actually able to get out of my chair. Usually I just sit there the whole time, too nervous to move. But this time I was comfortable getting up, and I went to sit near some other people who were designing a flyer for the club.

And I was just able to talk more openly. I still didn't speak all that much, but usually when I do speak I have to think about it for a while and try to work up the courage to say it out loud. But I didn't have as much trouble with it as usual.

So everything went pretty well. The Xanax was very helpful. But I'm still not going to take it every time. I want to try to get through it on my own, and see what difference the guided imagery and everything else is making. But it's good to know that I have it for when I do need it.

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