12 years. 12 years I\'ve been fighting this illness. I am only 20. That means for 60% of my life, I have been a nervous wreck.

Sometimes I ask God… Why me? Why me God? But then again, I would never wish this upon my worst enemy.

It comes in waves.. That\'s how it makes it\'s sneak attacks. One minute you are having the time of your life.. the next BAM. Instant panic mode and your world turns upside down into a spiraling black hole of chaos, confusion, frusteration, and sickness.

I look back at all the things that I have lost…. Going away to college, getting on stage, continuing sports, boyfriends, trips I could have gone on… I threw that all away because I was too scared.. to worried that something bad might happen. But here\'s the catch, something bad DID happen.. I ended up missing on chance of a life oppurtunities. I look back and think, "would I rather have gone on vacation and MAYBE thrown up and gotten sick.. or stay home and wonder my whole life what woul dhave happened if I could have gone?" And it would make sense that I would pick the obvious choice of vacation.. but with vacation comes fears, chaos, unknown places, unpredictable weather and circumstances.

I feel like I am very smart. I feel like I can contribute HUGELY to society with what I have to say. However, this is holding me back. This monster by the name of fear.

I\'m tired of labels. The more labels I get the worse off I feel. "GAD, SAD, OCD, ADD, Depressed, Agoraphobia, Hypochondria, PAD." Those are just a few of the labels multiple psychologists have given me. It seems that every new label that I get I get a little more depressed.. I feel a little bit more crazy, a little bit less "normal."

 

2 Comments
  1. Jack21 11 years ago

    I am so sorry. Just know 1.) that you\'re not alone and 2.) that you are still so young and have many, many years to do the things that you feel that you\'ve missed out on.

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  2. privatenurse06 7 months ago

    I completely were you are at. Feeling that loss of life and opportunities due to being the anxiety and all of the other labels is what alot of us are left with when there aren’t enough positive things going on in our life. We hash over what we’ve lost and what we’ve missed with continued sadness and a bitterness on we can understand.

    When I start doing that to myself, I force myself to do a positive thing that day even if it is vaccuming my home or even just the bedroom. Something I can feel alittle pride in and even the smallest bit of confidence. An accomplishment.

    You do still have time in your life to do things and other opportunities will come along. We can’t change the past, so we have to learn to bipass the negative thinking when we feel it creeping up on us. Force yourself to reach out to a family member or friend for a quick “hello, how are you doing? ” in order to show yourself your still in this world living. These are the things I try to do when the past wants to make itself present with me. Take care because we care!

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