12 years. 12 years I\'ve been fighting this illness. I am only 20. That means for 60% of my life, I have been a nervous wreck.

Sometimes I ask God… Why me? Why me God? But then again, I would never wish this upon my worst enemy.

It comes in waves.. That\'s how it makes it\'s sneak attacks. One minute you are having the time of your life.. the next BAM. Instant panic mode and your world turns upside down into a spiraling black hole of chaos, confusion, frusteration, and sickness.

I look back at all the things that I have lost…. Going away to college, getting on stage, continuing sports, boyfriends, trips I could have gone on… I threw that all away because I was too scared.. to worried that something bad might happen. But here\'s the catch, something bad DID happen.. I ended up missing on chance of a life oppurtunities. I look back and think, "would I rather have gone on vacation and MAYBE thrown up and gotten sick.. or stay home and wonder my whole life what woul dhave happened if I could have gone?" And it would make sense that I would pick the obvious choice of vacation.. but with vacation comes fears, chaos, unknown places, unpredictable weather and circumstances.

I feel like I am very smart. I feel like I can contribute HUGELY to society with what I have to say. However, this is holding me back. This monster by the name of fear.

I\'m tired of labels. The more labels I get the worse off I feel. "GAD, SAD, OCD, ADD, Depressed, Agoraphobia, Hypochondria, PAD." Those are just a few of the labels multiple psychologists have given me. It seems that every new label that I get I get a little more depressed.. I feel a little bit more crazy, a little bit less "normal."

 

1 Comment
  1. Jack21 10 years ago

    I am so sorry. Just know 1.) that you\'re not alone and 2.) that you are still so young and have many, many years to do the things that you feel that you\'ve missed out on.

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