Well humm.. where should I started my quest of finally letting this out. I have been holding inside all my feelings lately and I really have notice that my personality is changing because of not letting things out. I feel I have become a mean angry woman.
First things first! I am ashamed of who I am and who I\'ve become. I was a fun at one point in my life. I had alot of friends, I was beautiful and skinny. Now I have let myself down in so many different ways that I\'m ashamed. I know once you get older things and places and friends change I know this. But it never really hit me until now.
When I was in high school (wow 6 years ago now) I was active in sports, friends, relationships, parties and being able to be out there enjoying every minute of life. Now I have let myself go. I have gain probably over 60lbs since high school, have become a hermit in a very short period of time. Dont get me wrong, I\'m not a complete hermit but I feel that I am getting there. Anxiety and Depression have been a be part of my life since I was 8 or even before that but I cant rememeber. I thought when I was young that it controled me but I was WAY WRONG. Looking back it was a part of me but it really didnt effect me until I was cutting myself to feel pain and to feel alive but socially it did not effect me as much as it does now.
I have been with my fiance for over 4 years now and I love him dearly. But he has been effected alot lately do to my depression really holding tight onto me. I have gain SO much weight and I am so ASHAMED of myself. In the last six months I have gain over 20lbs… WOW 20lbs…. I hate the way I look in the mirror remember how I use to be so skinny, skin and bones and beautiful. See there is more then just an binge eating issue but I am on meds. that I have to be on because of a medical condition that on of the side effects are binge eating. So I know its not all my fault but I\'m the one feeding my fat ass even bigger. I CANT STOP! With all this that going on I\'m depressed and overwhelmed by guilt of letting myself get this way. It has depressed me for a long time now and its effecting my relationship hugely. My fiance feels I dont act the same as I use to, I dont want to have sex because I hate the way I look, it kills me. I dont want to go out, afraid of what people say of me and i try to eat healthy but once I start eating I cant stop. I know that sounds werid but its the truth. I feel like I\'ve never eaten before and in public people look and friends say (i\'ve heard) oh I see she eating away her problems, or wow I thought she was pregant. It hurts so much to hear that but someone actually asked when are you due. I just cried and I really havent gone out to partys or anything unless I am truly force or have to be there.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I hate myself and how I am effecting my friendships, my actions with my fiance and how I am completely letting myself fall deeper and deeper into this hole. I am so ashamed and feel so helpless.