I thought id better write an let you know how i got on , on the date cos lots of u have been asking!!

well we met up around 8.30(i was late as usual) went to TGI fridays and we just chatted and got on well. He told me a bit about his life, what he is in to, his family etc and the same with me (well i told the good stuff anyway hahah) then after dinner we went for a drive and just chatted, before i knew it it was nearly 1 am so i left and that was that. He was nice,seemed kind and a good person!

When i was in his car, we were talking got on to the subject of smoking etc, and he said he has never smoked hash or done any type of drug! Ir isnt that he has an attitude about them but it just never interested him! While thats good and probably just the kind of person i should be around i couldnt hellp thinking it was a bit boring……I know thats not very nice thing to say and its not how i should be thinking but – i do. Anyway he asked me did i do drugs an i said no, but that i did some stuff in the past but it wouldnt interest me now a days and he seemed fine with that – he didint bat an eyelid! He text me when he got home an asked did i have a good time & could we go out again and i said yes.Im not 100% sure if i really like him or if he is my type but i suppose i souldnt really base that on a couple of hours spent together should i? so im going to see him again and get to know him bit better and see what happens. Also when we were talking i mentioned (at the right time) that im not into one night stands or anything like that and he said neither was he cos nothing good comes of them when you want to get to know a person properly, a one night stand wrecks that…so i was happy enough with that.Im not putting all my eggs in one basket anyway so we'l see what happens!

Went to see my counsellor yesterday, we talkd more about the past, my detox and some other stuff thats not really relevant or important and i felt good after our session. I didnt get upset this time an i think thats because everything thats been building up inside me got let out last week and now that iv started talking about it , its not so bad. Im not saying everything ok now but its getting better and i suppose half the battle was geting that stuff out in the open in the 1st place, now its out there i can start to work on it.

I also saw my doctor. I see him every week and he checks my urine report sheet to make sure i havent been using( he has a reputation for being one of the hardest doctors, he doesnt take any excuses and if u have a slip he will put you back on daily's staright away and keep it like that untill u earn his trust again and get urself bcak on track) so i was nervous seeing him cos i was sure my urine would be dirty from using last week , but it wasnt!! I decided to tell him anyway cos at the end of the day its not really him im fooling or cheating, its myself. I was so suprised, he didnt get angry wiht me bt he let me explain what had happened. I said that it had been on my mind so i said 'fuck it' and decided to score, and afterwards i was just pissed of with myself cos it didnt do fuck all to me.So instead of using and it making me want to use more , it made me not want to bother doing it again cos it was so shit and i barely got a buzz of it! He must of been happy enough with that cos he just said ok and started talking about my detox again and said since i was almost of my methadone i needed to see him every week now (which i mostly do anyway) and that was it!

Im so happy that i didnt get into trouble  an i thnk thats because he could see that it was something i probably needed to do to put my mind at rest and i really am sure il never do it again, and i dont mean that in the way that i dont want to use again but its always going to be somewhere on my mind and will probably happen sooner or later,i actually really think ; why would i do that SHIT,its useless and just pisses me off and causes problems… i am even catching myself thinking ;how did i get addicted and so fucked up on that CRAP! But i think that i did get so fucked up on gear becuase when i did it i was in a different mind set, at a very difficult place in my life and was really suffering so anything that could take me awy from those feelings and away from my crap , desperate life was going to be my new number one.. Well my life is slowly but surely getting better, im dealing wit my problems properly,im resolving my issues, trying to better myself, im working an i have at least a bit of a plan for the future so i dont feel so lost anymore.It feels so good to see these changes in my life. Maybe heroin was something that was supposed to happen to me so that i could get to this place in my life? I dont know if thats true but its kind of a nice way of thinking about it?!!!

Im not trying to say everything is perfect and im all fixed up and better now cos i am definatley not but i have come along way!