***gonna try this one more time–i’m boiling, now, since it just got erased again!  woooooooooooooooooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh

Yep, i’m more than a lil bit perturbed.  i went to sleep kinda….frustrated, and got up thinking all about it, still.  *sigh  i don’t want to be touchy-feely, especially when you say things that upset me or treat me like i’m property—i had enough of that, already in my life!  i am HUMAN.  i am a woman.  i deserve to be treated as such, and NOT as something you own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i am NOT stupid, though i know i’m not at the level i once was.  But, that’s OK.  i am me.  i guess that’s what/who you wanted, and desired to be with, over a year ago.  So, why do you feel such an overwhelming desire to correct me?  i admit i tend to be of the “mothering type.”  Hello!  i am a mother, and even a grandmother!  GEEZ!  Gimme a break, already.  You tell me, quite often, you love me sooooooooo much.  Have i once tried to ‘change’ you?  Have i ever complained about how you’ve gotten to this particular point in life?  No matter how crappy the situation, no matter how much i’ve invested, no matter how much pain it’s caused me, i still keep on–i still try to work with you and get things done.  What am i not doing right?  Why can’t i seem to do anything the ‘right way for you’????  i touch you and ‘help’ you, almost anytime you’ve hinted…..  {i’ve flat out told you how i feel, and still can’t get………..nm….}  So, why can’t  i catch’a break?  Why does it seem, constantly, that nothing i do/have done is good enough????  i think i’ve done damned well, especially in supporting someone who’s only been able to keep a job for about five months, since we met!  Generally, as you know, you may go in for an orientation or first day on the job, and never return.  *sigh  But, i’m just supposed to accept that’s how you’re wired?  i’m expected to keep picking up and keeping things going?  Why???  When am i “allowed” to have a break???  i mean, seriously:  i can’t even sleep in—you are determined to wake me up, whether it be to see you off/out the door, when you’re running an errand, or just going for a run, or even just to turn the tv on and lay back in the bed!!!  WTF??  But, whenever you want to sleep in, i tend to walk on eggshells, so you can get your rest.  Fair?  i know life’s not fair.  i never expected fair, actually.  i just expect some common courtesy and decency!  i’m 47 years old, and you’re 49—don’tcha think, by now, well–nevermind.  ppppffffffffffft   OK….enough ranting………….it’s not getting me anywhere, except making my bp go up again.  i would think/hope htat by now, after everything we’ve talked about, etc, that you might have a lil more insight than you let on, especially where drug-use is concerned.  No, you’re not using, and i don’t see that as a problem, but what i can’t understand:  why you have to explain every minute detail of snorting or using, whenever we do talk about it.  It’s still hard for me to cope with:  the details, especially when it has to do with the reactions and effects—you know this–Hello!  i mean, Shelby….she’s not coming back!!!!!!!!!      *sigh  Just can’t seem to win……………well……………..whatever.    For now, you’re gone to an appointment, so i have a couple hours, maybe, to stew?  or, at least maybe think, i guess. 

On the other hand, the sun’s shining, and it seems to be a bit “cooler,” this morning.  –i guess we’ll see how the day goes.


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