im back and i havent had a drink or any other mind altering substances today. by the Grace of God. i wanted to. ive never felt the level of miserable i felt today. or right now actually.
i fought so hard to NOT go to a meeting all week. today was the hardest. im going tomorrow for sure. if im alive tomorrow im going. ive been so anxious and tense all week. i wonder why. lets see, maybe because ive been fighting what i should and need to do. ive been telling myself that i went out and im going to stick to it till im ready to go back. well, im ready. ive been going to meetings everyday just about for the last year and a half, had a slip a few months ago, came back after 7 days, started working the program to the best of my ability and things got much better.
i dont know why it happened this time but it did. the meetings and the people around those tables and God have been teaching me how to live a good, honest, worthwhile life. sober at that. i didnt think it was working as good as I thought it should be. but after this week, i now know that it was. because ive been donig nothing but wrong all week and thats all i feel is WRONG. even if i had fears, doubts, angers, questions, sadness or grief with dealing with life on lifes terms, i was doing it sober and i had help from every direction to get me thru it all. and i did- SOBER.
i dont want to feel this again. this is the worst feeling ive ever had on a level i cant even describe. i made it all about me again. well im not goin to do this anymore. ive isolated and lied all week and for what? no more. i look forward to blogging tomorrow about the return. thank you all and God bless.