I’m not going to tell my whole life story, but know that it is probably similar to yours – filled with isolation, belittling, neglect, self-medication, love for anger, mutilation, inappropriate overwhelming emotions, and a lack of purpose. There are positives in my life, but my natural train of thought doesn’t seem to want to process those. I struggle to find joy and purpose throughout the day in order to sleep well, but the overwhelming negative thoughts always wait for me soon after waking up.

I have always tried to avoid my problems by shutting myself off from the outside world, emotionally and physically. I have recently tried to better myself for the sake of my nephew who’s expected to be born in a few months. I live with my brother and his girlfriend in an apartment similar to how me and him were raised. I found myself in the position of my alcoholic, mentally crippled uncle who made our young lives just THAT less bearable.

Self-destruction has always come naturally to me, but I can’t accept it now. I WILL NOT BE MY TRAUMATIC UNCLE!! My self improvement strategy included meditating twice a day, working out, and avoiding my usual crutches (mindless entertainment and drugs). I’m currently unemployed so it seemed like a perfect opportunity to actually go through with it, but after a few days of fulfilling my goals and taking care of neglected responsibilities my depression hit harder than ever. It was as if my mind didn’t want me to improve.

I recently had my first serious suicidal thought, and it scared the hell out of me. I’ve always felt angry and sad, but the pure emotional pain that I’ve been feeling recently is simply overwhelming. I have completely dropped my little routine and am attempting to rekindle my relationship with my parents. I feel naturally gravitated to it, and while we never really understand ourselves, I think it may be my mind’s way of healing the past that haunts me. If I’m to open up to the world, I must be able to handle the problems that have rotten my soul. I’m trying desperately to regain control of my life, I just can’t get in my own way.

I’ve always embraced the negativity with cynicism, judgement, hatred, and a skewed, paranoid view of the world, and I fear that my newfound ethic is causing a sort of existential crisis. No more excuses, I’m ready to open my heart and embrace change and support.

I truly truly love whoever reads this. I hope that my faith in love doesn’t fade into obscurity, but I have faith. I am happy to be here and hope that we can eventually beat the self-destructive minds that wake us at night.