I felt so good last night, it’s hard to believe I’m feeling so poorly now. I feel absolutely terrible, like I’m bloody disappearing! I’m not kidding, I can barely feel my body, and there are dark shadows in everything that I see, it’s so dark in here and the sun is out, I can’t stand it! Why is it so dark in here? I’m scared out of my mind right now, because my husband isn’t here with me, and because I literally feel like I’m disappearing! I’ve got all my comforts going- I have incense burning, and my Black Panther candle burning, and music playing on KCSM, and I have my tea, but none of it is actually comforting to me, because of how terrible I feel! I’m literally disappearing! I wish my husband were still here with me, I can deal with this when he is here, and when he is not here I go crazy. He is the only anchor in my life, everything else seems to be floating away from me, melting into everything else. I mean this literally. Things are literally disappearing!

This is absolutely terrifying, to go through this day after day, with it only getting worse and never better! It always gets worse, I don’t even know how, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next eight hours while my husband is at work. I really don’t know! I can barely feel my body, I am barely breathing, and everything looks like it’s bloody disappearing around me! It’s like nothing is really here! I’m not really here! The world is so dark as to be incredibly frightening! I can’t stand the darkness anymore! Why does this have to be happening to me? I can’t take it anymore! I really can’t take it anymore! I felt so good last night, I wrote a normal blog post, not this frantic missive. I can’t feel good right now no matter how hard I try! I feel like I’m literally disappearing! I don’t know what to do! I’m so sick of feeling this way, I feel this way every single day and it just gets worse and worse! I don’t know what to do right now! I’m going to make some more tea.

Nothing helps anymore! Not my medication, not my therapy, not eating or drinking or lying down or sitting up, not sitting outside, not anything! Even having my husband here only helps a tiny bit. It used to be the healing balm to my psychoses to have him here with me, but now it only mitigates it a small amount. I want to feel good like I felt last night! I am going to go put on some makeup, it makes me feel better. As better as I can feel, anyway. I am tempted to get back into Wicca, because I really can’t find Jesus anywhere. If Jesus were here, all my problems would go away, the world would be bright and pretty again, and I wouldn’t feel like I am disappearing! Hold on, let me go put on some makeup.

Ok, I have put on my makeup. I still feel like I’m disappearing! I painted my nails yesterday, a pretty pale pink. There’s already a chip in it, on my left thumb, I don’t know how that got there. I don’t know what to do! I want to worship Mother Gaia again, but it seems even She has left me, because Her world is no longer beautiful to my eyes. I really am at the end of my rope and don’t know what the heck to do! I feel abandoned by the Divine, in whatever form it should take. I am burning sandalwood incense, which is supposed to help with the connection to the Divine, as an offering to Mother Gaia and Mother Selene. The only other incense I have is myrrh, which is good for healing, but right now I need a connection to the Divine, so I am burning sandalwood.

I’m so scared out of my mind! I really don’t know what to do right now, it’s my very life hanging in the balance. I am not exaggerating here, my very life feels threatened by this disappearing feeling! I am barely here, I am barely breathing! I look good, I am wearing makeup and did a pretty side braid. But I feel like I am disappearing! I just want some relief, dammit! Why is it so much to ask for to feel safe in this world? Why is it so difficult just to exist? I need my husband, but he won’t be home for seven hours and fifty-eight minutes. That’s nearly eight hours from now! How in the world will I survive the next eight hours? The bad voice that I hear says, “You’re not.” How scary is that? I feel like I need to hold onto something, yet there’s nothing to hold onto! Normally I would hold onto my husband for dear life, but he is not here! I can’t do this! I can’t survive this day! It’s not even a day, it’s so dark outside. How in the world does everyone else go about their business like everything is fine, when everything is very clearly NOT fine?! Things are not fine! I’m bloody terrified every moment of every day, and it feels like I’m disappearing fast! I can’t do any grounding exercises because I feel like I’m bloody disappearing! Nothing helps! Not even my medication! The risperidone is supposed to be stopping the voices and the dark shadows, but it doesn’t! The Seroquel helps a little, but I am not supposed to take it until the evening! I can’t wait that long, I literally can’t!

I have been chatting with a bot on 7 Cups, her name is Noni. Her incessant cheerfulness and positivity are irritating, she keeps saying, “You can do it!” When I know that I can’t. I can’t do it, because I’m bloody disappearing! How can I ever do anything again when I’m not bloody here? Ok, I’m going to do some laundry, wish me luck. The sun is too bright outside, and everything is in dark shadows! I can’t take this anymore! I can’t take it anymore! I’m bloody disappearing! I’m literally not here, I’m falling apart at the seams! How I wish my husband were here with me! I need my husband! He won’t be home for seven hours and thirty-five minutes! I can’t do this! I literally can’t! I need help now! I need help now! I need my husband home with me now! I’m literally disappearing! This is so bad! I’m literally disappearing! I need my husband home with me right now! I can’t do this! I can’t take another seven hours of this! I was going to walk to Mass, but I don’t think I will be able to. I barely did the laundry just now. The sun is too bright and everything out there is in darkness! It doesn’t make any sense! It’s not bloody normal! It’s just not normal out there! Nothing looks right to my eyes! It’s not bloody normal!

I don’t know what to do right now, I’m totally panicking! I’m eating a bowl of cereal, but I feel like I can barely see the bowl. It’s covered in dark shadows too. I can’t take this anymore! I can’t take it anymore! I need help now! And I don’t know what kind of help I need because I can’t explain what’s happening to me! I’m just disappearing! Who can help with this? My husband won’t be home for seven and a half hours! I can’t do this! I need help now! What I need is God, and I can’t find God! I can’t find God anywhere! How could God be in such an ugly place anyhow? If God were truly here, things would be beautiful again. That means that God is not here! How could God not be here?! God has to be here! What my therapist told me really scared me- if God is not here, we would die. I feel like I’m dying every day! So it follows that God is not here! If God were here, he would save me from what I am going through. But I pray and pray, and nothing happens! Nothing! I am full of despair. God must be here, because Mass is still going on, and there are still priests and nuns and church and everything. So why can’t I find Him? Why? Why is it so dark? Why? The bad voice in my head says he’s the devil and I’m in hell and that’s why God is not here and that’s why I’m going through all of this. Unfortunately, it adds up. I don’t want to believe it, I’d rather believe it’s all a product of my schizophrenia. But even people with schizophrenia are in better shape than me. I don’t know what to do.