Well I’m 72 hours self harm free again I made it about 25 days this time. Not my best record ngl. I also might have messed up my wrist pretty bad. Which at this point I feel like I should start counting my hitting of the wall as self harm considering I do it in a way I won’t damage the wall and I just fuck up my wrist every time so I don’t bother other people. I should honestly get an x-ray done I’ve had a bruised up swollen wrist at least 4 times in the last like 3 months I’m sure there’s been some fucked up healing along the way considering the pain doesn’t go away just becomes a little less painful. The burns haven’t even faded from last time. I’m starting to get anxious they won’t fade enough to hide the fact I broke considering I haven’t shown anyone and have been able to successfully keep my arm covered during every encounter at home. I’ve never been a burner so I am just trying to ride this out at cautious as possible one elastic at the bottom of my sleeve, then one at my elbow when things get “spicy” to keep the sleeve from moving off the arm. I only have one fresh mark because I couldn’t get privacy which is honestly a good thing mostly except it just made me angry enough to fulfill the urge by punching the wall till my wrist swelled up. although I let it slip I wasn’t trying to break his wall and I was trying to break my wrist….. He was going to call my mom in but she was busy luckily considering I don’t need my mom worrying about me at 23 years old. I got through it though and I’m going to do better this time.

Over the weekend we did some riding on Friday with some friends. We had invited the new friend and a friend from my bf’s work. while we were waiting on everyone at the meet spot another bike pulled up but it was like horrendous looking we could all tell it was going to fall apart. Which it did 3 times before the guy finally just went home because no one wanted to kick anyone out of the group so we all just kept stopping for everyone. Once that kid left we enjoyed the ride out for a little kept losing one rider but we’d stop and he’d catch up. We all went out to eat somewhere we hadn’t tried before the food wasn’t bad at all. Me my bf and the new friend decided we wanted to head home to our town. The other 2 bikes were heading shortly after us but stopped to talk. We ended up following the new friend through backroads to take a short cut. It went smoothly at first then We hit a pretty sharp turn going pretty fast. Gave our friend a scare we kicked up a bunch of dirt going off the road but my bf controlled it and brought us back on the road. The next corner there was a small dirt patch so our friend signaled to slow down. He watched in his mirror to make sure we’d be ok and didn’t see a loose dirt patch that spread across the whole road. He went down right Infront of us. his bike slid a good ways down the road. He broke a finger it seems and got bruised up a lil but luckily he was wearing a biking suit so no bad damage. Hopefully the bike is back up and running by this weekend I felt so bad his birthday was Sunday and we couldn’t go on the ride to oob like he planned but we hung out with him like the entire day so I hope it was good for him.

Saturday was when I hurt myself. I just have been over whelmed lately fighting for my relationship and my aunt going into the hospital puking and pooping blood and my dad wanting to leave again after he made another family here because he realizes he’s not a family man? like bro you had 23 years to see that and I’m so lonely all the time. My mental health is plummeting but it only makes me want to hide more of it so no one has to worry because I just don’t know how to properly show my emotions ig considering it always just comes off as manipulation or a grasp for attention. Like part of me feels like I need to tell just one person about my self harm. It keeps my head in a space that I’m not suppose to or allowed to do it. I’ve succeeded at hiding my marks way too long I think it’s why I broke within a month because who would know? Definitely not the person that loves me. I mean I’ve had plenty of slip ups where it’s just out there but no one noticed which is good on one hand but on the other like damn I wonder if they just don’t care XD but that’s just my fucked head talking lmao.

sorry for the long one hope everyone is well.