At this moment I am battling Bronchitis right now and I am so sleepy…though I can’t help but to think of the direction my life is going in…I deeply think that I’m bipolar but no one is telling me this..One minute I am so low that I don’t want to be here..then the next minute I’m fine…then a few days later I am so angry …I am the moodiest person I know…I honestly feel that I am "stuck"…Stuck for me means that I have no money to get out of any bad situations and I am just stuck…I right now resent everyone in my life because they don’t have depression and I have to suffer with it…I don’t just have depression, I have scoliosis….Those two make a very bad combination…..I feel bad right now because one minute I am so upset that I want to hurt someone and then later on or the next day I feel extreme guilt…That to me is not depression…That is more than depression….The one person that gets neglected in my life is me…I am stuck here taking care of my aunt that is wheelchair bound and bedridden…She calls me three thousand times a day to do things for her…We live together..the rest of my family does not care….Its very bad when you’re fine and then a person comes through the door and you get extremely depressed and upset as soon as you see them…My aunt has helped me out in many ways..but I feel like I’m doing more for her than she’s doing for me…Today she was going to the store with her home attendant and she called me out of my room to lock the door and I got so angry when I came out of my room…I had this rage..She had trouble getting her wheelchair out of the door and I pushed her chair so hard that she almost fell out her chair…Now let me tell you..I usually can’t move that chair..and right now I have breathing problems from my bronchitis…I was just so angry because she calls me all the time that I pretty much rammed her out of the door…There is a difference between being sick and lazy…When it comes to my aunt I can’t tell the difference….She once woke me up at 5am in the morning because she wanted me to pick something off the floor…I have a very hard time falling asleep naturally and she knows this..I have to take a sleeping aid…and if I sleep and wake up..I can’t go back to sleep..She wakes me up anyways…I have a curve in my spine and I get off my behind and do things..I have pains and aches every damn day..also from arthritis…I am supposed to be in the bed resting and I went food shopping…basically because I know that no one else will do it…Its my responsibility..there are times I can barely get out the door from anxiety issues and agoraphobia that pops up..I have to prepare myself to go outside and I still find a way…Though when I’m in deep depression I can’t even get out of the when I’m so/so or okay I do what I can…I was talking to my bestfriend on the phone a few weeks ago and my aunt got an attitude with me for being on the phone because I wasn’t helping her…I can’t even talk to my bestfriend without being interrupted…The only place that is peaceful in my apartment is the bathroom and as soon as I come out of there my aunt will ask me to do something…Anything I need to concentrate on I can’t do while she’s here and I’m sick of it…I don’t want to end up trying to kill myself just to get help …I don’t want for my family to say "oh wow she tried to kill herself..she must of really been stressed out like she said"…Why does there need to be a death or an almost death for people to get involved …or for people to actually care..All my family cares about is working ..thats it…..I’m so fed up…I’m so tired…of everything in my life…I also have to deal with my neighbors…I have neighbors that smoke marijuana two or three times a day and right now my breathing is very bad…I think part of the reason I have this bronchitis (respiratory infection)…is because of that…..Plus the same neighbor has this puppy that cries all day long and night and I can hear it in my room…I called the cops twice about that and they did nothing…I also can’t apporach the neighbor because someone living there is a drug dealer..I just feel very miserable…I tried to transfer to another apartment but I was told that I can’t transfer without my aunt…Is there a way out realistically?


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