Do you ever suddenly see something on TV or read something that makes you remember the past?
Do you ever wonder why, even though you had a bad past it seemed that it was wonderful?
Do you ever wonder why things seem so much simpler as a child? That nothing is as bad as it seems.
Do you ever suddenly feel as if you wish you could fall back in time through your memories?
Do you ever feel afraid to go back?

Why is it so much harder to feel happy in the now?
Why is it so much sadder now than then?
Why does it hurt to remember then?
Why do I feel like crying when I remember how it was compared to how it is?

I feel like whenever I remember how my childhood was it was so much simpler to accept things and bounce back from dissapointments. It was easy just to go outside and start playing with my friends and forget about what ever made me sad. But then I remember how much I had adored my one friend. He was my rock. Always there for me even when I wasn’t for him. I guess memories tend to romanticize the memories of those we had loved then. Still, with everything as it is now, I don’t ever want to put my heart on the line. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Sometimes I feel as if even my greatest friends are my enemies. And if I dont watch closely then when I turn back around to see them all I’ll see is their silhouettes fading from my sight, blending into the day and turning from me like everyone else has. Im afraid if I turn away then even my memory will be gashed from their minds and Ill be nothing but a past regret.

But I dont like being so lonely. Im tired of having to turn away whenever I see a happy couple embracing in a doorway or under a tree, afraid that if I look too long someone will notice the saddness and longing in my eyes for the total bliss that those innocent fools take for granted. How I wish I could be a fool. But I am a coward. I doubt I’ll ever have the strength to ever place my heart and emotions on the line, with the chance that my feelings will be cut to ribbons and my soul irreparably broken. Sometimes I hate this life. I really do. But I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it. Maybe that because there is always this one sliver of hope, how ever miniscule it might be, that there might be a day when I’ll get to be a fool.

I believe I’ve said enough for now. Blessed Be!!!

~Lana

2 Comments
  1. shadowghost 14 years ago

    Hi there Lana, im glad u wrote ur blog and yes many of the rhetorical questions u pose there are very true…sadly though i have to say from experience that there are some of us who hate to fall back into their past… [br]
    its also very understandable about seeing couples together even i have to turn my head or walk in the opposite direction because of the way it makes ur heart wrench and ur head feel like lead and makes u feel ever so lonely and despair at why u so lonely….its just like being a hedgehog with all the spines which hurt if we were to get close enough to another. either way u will get hurt and the more u think/do about it the more hurt we will get.[br]
    sadly im very much like a hedgehog being lonely hurts but if i get close to others i’d feel hurt still. [br]
    blessed be,
    Raistlin

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  2. lostandlonelygirl 14 years ago

    I know how you feel. Just yesterday I was feeling lonely but then again I haven’t had a boyfriend in two years so I doubt I will find one anytime soon. But you should do like me, just try to live your life to the fullest, even though you don’t have someone, just try to realize that people around you do love you, like your family, and don’t let your friends get away from you. You can be happy, you just need to realize that happiness comes from being happy with yourself.

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