Ahhh yes…Here I sit today with a breath of fresh air upon me…I had a minor crash and burn yesterday…in the midst of everything good that was going on I feel to my own mind and the disease tried to weasel its way back in…I called many a person…MANY A FUCKING PERSON…FInally I ended up calling my sponser and I began to drive toward the hall…As I got out of the van I walked right by my sponser in his car, and headed up the stairs…my phone rang and it was him…He came up and we talked…at that moment it didnt help nothing seemed to help….and no i didnt want to use… I was LONELY and my mind was fucking with my emotions and I was feeding it with every ounce of self destructive thinking I could muster up….when the dust settled it was still over an hour before the step meeting but I didnt want to go home so as a couple of other ppl played cards I paced and looked out the window, burnt the crap out of my tongue on scalding hot coffee…paced some more..prayed some more…heard my "HP" and its continuous echo of  " I am Here" Still I waited out for the meeting it was to be the Fifth Step…Now I am workiing the steps as I write here and I see the progress as something beautiful and amazing yet also very PAINFULL, Sometimes Quickly and SOmetimes SLowly.  But I see it none the less…Most of my melt down had to do with my perception of things that have no fact to support them, just the basic someone doesnt answer the phone well then they must hate me or be in bed with someone else or fucking whatever…So as the meeting begins the discussion and reading is on the 4th step…HOLY CRAP…As I sat and we read and I came to realize that it might not have been what I missed in my 4th step "fearless moral inventory": but what I didnt See because with my overload of a life time of emotions I could not see past myself much less inside of myself…I found that Pride…that first of the 7 deadly sins has dug in deep…became a very integral part of my and I spent so long feeding it and taking care of it and letting it beat me and others down that it is like my alter-ego…in saying that I can begin the long AND I mean potentially LONG ROAD to finding freedom and balance in pride and Life…


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