Bad memories, bad memories….well you know what?….So many things in this freaking town represent bad memories to me that maybe something is trying to tell me that I need to move away…
So out of virtually nowhere yesterday, my sister decides to grill me bout a job application that I dropped off somewhere a week ago and that she knew that I did at the time and that she somehow just at that time yesterday came to realize that I did so apparently wearing a t-shirt….her point is that was a no-no due to it likely making a bad first impression on the place where I dropped off said application to….normally, I would be inclined to agree with her, but….not this time….I've droppped off umpteen number of job applications for all kinds of mediocre jobs throughout my very unstable life…I have years of (unwanted) experience at the art of dropping off job applications; as a result, I feel I have developed a keen sense of awareness over the years of which potential places of employment are perhaps crucial in terms of making sure you dress nice to make an impression just by merely dropping off an application and which ones it won't make any difference…I don't need to hear it from her…and btw, this was a (University of) Missouri Tigers apparel store where I dropped off the application, and I was wearing a Missouri Tigers t-shirt when I dropped off the application–I figure for obvious reasons that wearing that kind of t-shirt into the store can't hurt my chances of getting hired there….and the fact that she attempted to grill me on this in front of someone else who wasn't even a family member was even more infuriating…a BIG no-no on her part….I am VERY sensitive about the issue of not having a job; I am embarrased that I don't have one; I am ashamed that I don't have one…Perhaps I shouldn't be because I do have what is considered a disability–severe depression and anxiety– that has caused me to lose a job, and that has in retrospect , I have come to realize, might have played a factor in affecting my work performance at previous jobs and perhaps in ultimately getting me fired at these jobs….and even though I know in my heart that depression without a doubt caused me to lose my last job, even though I know in my heart I am not a lazy person who is making up some bs as a way to screw the government out of money, I am notoriously hard on myself, and do have some pride, hence the reasons of shame and embarrasment for not having a job at this time….so for my sister to start something with me about my trying to get a job in front of someone who had no business hearing about it(not that I blame him–not like he knew she was going to do that) was EXTREMELY hurtful to me, and shame on her for not even considering that…..and you know what? She's lucky(actually, so am I), for lack of a better way of putting it, that I'm even bothering to drop off any job applications AT ALL considering how unthinkable the idea was of getting a job when things were at their bleakest during the Dark TIme(May 2009-Jan 2012 approximately), the worst out of ANY of the far-too-many Dark TImes I have endured throughout my life…I so much felt like saying to her that I have no idea what in the hell will happen if I even do get hired by someone eventually…I mean, it is possible that I might quit any potrential new job that I get hired for after ONE FREAKING SHIFT, no, NOT because I'm lazy, but because, I SWEAR, If I start to feel even remotely close to having those horrible feelings of severe depression like the ones I started to feel on my last job three years ago, I will freaking BOLT out of that place, because I NEVER, EVER want those feelings to come back again–yeah, I realize I might not have a say so in the matter regardless if it's always been a matter out of my hands in terms of a "chemical imbalance" or whatever–but if there is any chance that I DO in fact have the ability to have some kind of control over my severe depression and anxiety, and if being at a new job triggeres an alarm in me that those feelings are going to invade me all over again, I am not going to screw with it,,,I will NOT go though that dela-vu all over again if there's any possibility whatsoever that I have a chance to control it…if that means I will forever have to scrap by on the skin of my teeth living off of disability, so be it….there's a REASON I was put on disability in the first place, was there not?…and if it eventually means getting kicked out of my apartment for not having the necessary funds to pay the rent?….So be it…I'll choose fighting for survival on the streets over ending up in the hospital again any day…..
"And I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day…" –Red Hot Chilli Peppers
PS–thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone that took the time to read these series of blogs.