After calling my friend twice yesterday and iming her, I found out why my friend was upset, seems the guy told her that i told him they had sex together or whatever, cuz she slept at his house. But I havent even spoken to him since the beginning of October, and that was before their whole sleeping over incident. I think he’s just trying to get everyone pissed at eachother. So I called her and she imd me  back saying that. I AM OUTRAGED! Since when would u believe what a guy said over a girl who u became so close with. All she ever does is lie to me about everything that goes on in her life. I have seriously had it. I called her telling her I dont trust her as a friend, and we can’t be friends anymore. Thats just how I feel if you lie cheat and backstab ur friend, they are not ur friend.So I deleted him and her from my facebook, because I honestly dont want to be a part of it. I am happy now that I dont have to put up with her.

So why do I want to kill myself tonight? Well again I expressed to my mother how I felt and she told me to grow a shell. I exploded, and told her Im done telling her whats going on in my life. I am on effexor xr 125 mg, and I dont think its working. And she got mad at me when I didnt know the doctors phone number. I think she is seriously bi-polar.  Something else troubling me is my ex who I met in community college. We dated for two months or so, I really cant remember. We broke up and he went back to his ex of ten years. While we were dating he had all these grandiose plans for us to travel and shit and he never followed thru.Well he came back into my life this past summer and said he wanted to try again, that we needed to. So I went out with him, and we had sex and I never did that before with him, and then I went home. He said he’d call me the next day to make our plans for NYC, and he never called. So I called him and he said he was tired, and he would call back. He never called.In October he called harassing my sister to get my cell number, because he got a new phone( at 3 am). She gave it to him  and he called me, and said he wanted to be with me and to meet him out to catch up. So I did, with my sister and he bought drinks and halloween candy for me and my niece. We were talking everyday, and he confessed to me the second time he went back to his ex again. Im upset because everytime he left me he never said he was going. So  last Thursday I saw him out, and it was kinda funny cuz I was trying to talk to this new guy I met. He was getting jealous(the ex) and making eyes at me. So finally he came over to me and started talking and then he said he was going and to walk him to his car. I agreed and then he asked if I wanted to see his office I said yes, and we went inside and made out and other things. I was drunk and started crying about the whole situationa nd him leaving me. We walked outside and had a shouting match. I said he didnt care and he was selfish and hes gonna leave me again.He said i was psycho for cryin and blah blah he said he was done and didnt need my stress.. MY STRESS? He is the one who left me twice, I am the one stressed. So the next night I called him and hes like you scare me when ur overemotional lets go to lunch tomorrow and patch things up. Call me before 12. So I call. He texts me back saying Im psycho and he doesnt see it working out. I was horrified. So I texted hims aying I dont want him as a part of my life to which he responded I look like an oompa loompa. I hate him…I feel so ugly and betrayed again. I just wish all this negative energy would leave me. I dont understand how God can keep doing this to me. And then all my exes or guys ive gone on dates with ahve girlfriends…Im like wtf why cant I have someone. Is it that hard?? I dont get it..God wants me to suffer alone….. So I drove back to school today and thought about crashing the car. But then I was like how would I know if I were dead, and I didnt wanna ruin the car. I keep thinking about cutting, and I dont want scars. I dont know how to channel my painn….