The last couple months have nearly killed me.My health issues are dramatic.Ive had to drop my work to part time,i can barely do that .If I dont make dramatic change,I wont make it this time.I need to see if intense exercise will help my muscularskeletal problems and cognitive exercises help what this terrible medication has done to me.The fact that I will always have to take this medication and have these problems is extremely frightening.I have had crippling anxiety and panic attacks about all this,all I can do is try to make dramatic intense chnage in my life.Ive never really exercised but I realise its vital for me,I have been doing clinical pilates,very expensive but just a cpl sessions seemed to help,I had to cancel a class the other day due to having a horrific night the night before of literally no sleep and having to go to work.I amaze myself at what I do sometimes when I am in a terrible state but I must not lose this job.I see life as very profound,I cant get my head around it sometimes,just looking at all the world,the people,the history of the world,the plants and animals,the galaxy,its intense and incredible ,I dont want to be like this.I want to live .Im in what I call the "surreal darkness" right now.Things are so bad its surreal,Ive been there before but it sort of got better but its gone back again.I cant just exist ,theres no point its too hard.I need to make things a bit better,but its an enormous task,especially on my own.But only I can do this,no one can be me for me.Im amazed at the utter incompetance of so may people like health professionals and others .To get someone who knows wht they are doing is like finding a needle in a haystack.Ive always tried to be as efficiant as i can when i work,Im not perfect and do my utter best to try and learn from any mistakes and do better,.Thats not blowing my own horn,its the truth.Why did all this happen to me?I cant get my head around it when i see others at work just normal and me struggling with health issues to the point I feel Im on a slippery slope and going to fall off.I know some ppl have shocking situation with health and I respect them enormously that they get on with it ,it must be soul crushingly hard.Will I get through this?I wish I knew for sure,I wish i could go to bed just once and not be terrified of tomorrow,I never used to be,I wish i could have those days back,Id make things different so maybe this would not of got so bad.I cant believe how stupid ive been with some things but i think the depression has a bit to do with that,spending money to feel better for 2 minutes.I want a simple life now,I dont care about material stuff anymore.I want to be smarter,If only I could not work and just study.I cant seem to do both in my health state,maybe I will in time,after Ive implemented the changes.Im so glad Ive got my books,I love my books.I just got reading glasses but i dont think they are right and Ive got to go back to the optometrist.I dont have a choice this time,I must make this a turning point,it cant stay like this.At least im so terrified its given me motivation,sort of like if your getting chased youll run like hell without even trying.I wont know if I dont attempt to get somewhat better,I will never ever be normal like others but I must see if i can improve so I can function better.Im going into the great unknown,will there be light at the end,willI come out the other side or fall in the abyss.I must keepa flicker of hope,I cant let the flame go out.


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