I've been a little up and down lately and I guess that's what I love about this site – I can see the breaks I have from them and it helps me realise my coping patterns. I've had a few triggers and a few major realisations this past week. First off, my older sister has depression and connected anxiety, she's only been diagnosed a year and she's really struggling to find ways to cope. As her little sister – I'm 21 & she's 27 – I sense her insecurities about opening up and accepting that she isn't 'mad' or 'abnormal' she's always such a shoulder to cry on and the one everyone has always relied on & now she can't do it anymore it's tearing her apart. She ran away from her house the other night and didn't even realise she had, she panicked and then came to see us in such a state – that physical struggle to control your body that I'm so used to experiencing on my own, she wasn't breathing properly & in fits of tears. It really broke my heart. I have since been able to calm her and talk it through, I always feel her pride at being my older sister makes her a little uncomfortable taking my advice but she always seems so greatful to me. I am thankful that in some strange way, I feel we were both made this way to help each other. This is what it made me realise, I've had my diagnosis, my explanation, for 4 years now and sure it's a rollercoaster but I have learnt so much about myself and about my own mind in that time. My sister has only been dealing with this a year & she feels continually let down by her own brain – which is something I think we've all felt or feel a lot of the time. The biggest piece of advice I can hand out is that it really doesn't matter what medicine you get or your life surroundings (they help of course) but the best way to get a grasp on this is take time to understand who you are, deal with it rather than fight it off, because this is you & we're all perfect, we are this way for a reason and I know, for me, that I appreciate my life more than I ever did. I appreciate the days where I can do something so small like face a phobia & get through it. I couldn't have done that without time to understand everything. I'm not sure how I got myself here, I read so much about GAD though and when I found this site – things seemed so common and abnormally normal that I started to accept it. I found strength to tell people so that I didn't feel ashamed & I then found more power to see doctors. I grew in confidence once I knew my own mind better. All of this will sound so dream like and ridiculous to some, I know someone's success never helps people who are only at the beginning – it's a bit like a diet. You see people who've lost weight on it but your just at the start & it seems unachievable. I'm not saying I've fixed myself or anything like that, I just have had a good long patch of time where I can spot if things are going wrong and I know now what to do and what I need to avoid doing. Seeing my sister in such a fragile way just made me feel lucky I guess, only so far in that I totally understand this & I so want her to as well, but it's a personal discovery & it will always have it's dark down times. This blog is a total pool of thoughts for me, it's an outlet so I can stop thinking so much. It's always my go to area when my head goes a little too fast. It's been an amazing part of my own understanding. I did have to come here fairly quickly tho because my heart is starting to race a little – I'm lucky that I've been given betablockers now so I can control myself at least in the physical aspect. I've been talking to my recent ex a fair bit aswell lately, I've even seen him a couple of times & I feel my emotions are torturing me. My head knows that every thing I feel towards him is wrong and speaking to him is even worse. I still love him – a lot. But all his sweet talk.. My mind sees right through it. It's not genuine & he will never be the person I need or expect him to be. Still my stupid 'heart' really drives me to him to the point that I know I'm setting myself up for upset. I have no idea why I do it. It's as simple as that, but I don't want to stop contact with him either – so badly don't want that. It's one of the areas I'm yet to figure out about myself, why I want things that do me damage?! Why, when I know the outcome do I do it anyway? I don't know if this is just me or if, on a level, it's a case of human nature – like fast food & alcohol, both idiotic yet we thrive on them. I'm not sure, but I think my out pouring of thoughts has finally come to an end. If you have managed to stick with my sorry ramblings this long then I high five you for your effort and give you a smile too 🙂 Because it's 2am here right now, I'll say goodnight! Xx