It's been a long night. I woke up around 4 and couldn't get back to sleep, so instead I'm blogging. I have an hour until my alarm goes off and I have to get Zachary ready for school, so there wouldn't be any sense in going back to sleep again.
A lot of good things are beginning to fall into place now for my family and I. Turns out that Aaron will be starting to work days in only another week. Yaay! I'm going to miss having him to myself on Friday because he'll be working instead, but it's a trade-off I'm completely willing to take. He's so relieved and excited too.
Later this morning we will be attending an awards presentation at our son's school, and he's going to receive an award of his own. He makes me so proud. I'd love him just as much if he didn't ever get any awards, but he's doing awesome in school and I'm so relieved that he finally has started to enjoy being there. I really think part of his difficulty is that he's bored with the level of the work they're doing in his class; it doesn't challenge him enough. As he gets older that might become more and more of an issue – hopefully he'll be able to take AP classes later on to keeep him occupied.
As for me, yesterday started out really good. I was in a good mood and managed to stay busy throughout the morning. My anxiety level was low after I started working on things from the list I made. That really helped me. After finishing several tasks I laid down for a nap. Aaron was still at work but I went ahead and laid down downstairs with only the fishtank for light. I slept really good despite myfearof the dark. I had hoped that Aaron would come home while I was still sleeping and we could take a nap together, but when he climbed in I was waking up.
I think what I'm going to do is let Zachary sleep in and I'll go back to bed. His ceremony isn't until 10 a.m. and I don't see the point of driving to his school and back twice this morning. Aaron will probably be aggravated but he'll get over it. I think he'll understand why I chose to do it this way instead.
I did have a little bit of sadness happen this morning already. I came upstairs to get some coffee and to spend time with my Mom before she left for work. I told her that I hoped she had a good day at work and complimented her on her hairstyle and make-up and she says to me, "Whatever Keya…", and walked away from me. And then I realized that I couldn't remember the last time she has asked about MY well-being, or how my day was or was supportive of me emotionally. It's like she's decided that since I don't work it doesn't matter what I do unless it benefits her. I don't understand what has happened in our relationship for her just to push me away. She always asks Aaron and Zachary how their days went, but she never asks me. I don't count. And it makes me feel awful because when I wasperforming as a violinist she was my biggest fan. Now I'm just dead weight to her. She hasn't used a term of endearment on me in at least 6 months. I'm sad because I feel like she's given up on me. And I sense disdain from her because everybody's supposed to strong and as dedicated to their job as she is.
I think I'm going to stop talking to her for the most part, because all it does is get me upset. Believe me, it's not as difficult as you would think. When she is home and talking to me it's usually her talking AT me. There's no listening involved on her part normally. Her compassion is not wasted on me. If she IS talking to me it's to hound me about what I've done wrong or didn't do. My way of being useful is trying to keep the house clean and try to organize meals and take care of the animals and do laundry. My goal is to get the house to a point where cleaning is minor maintenance and clean clothes are always available etc. But sometimes I just can't make it ~ I have to do this little by little. I know I have to push myself (and I do), but it seems no matter what I do is not good enough.
I'm done complaining. I'm going to call my husband and then go back to bed for awhile. I deserve it.