Second time I\'m going to type this out… it sucks even more this time. 

My friend Charles died on Monday, June 28th.  he was riding his bicycle and was hit by a dump truck on a route he would take several times a week.  The dump truck didn\'t see him and or ran a red light.  Charles had the right of way.

It\'s been a surreal few days to say the least.  To say a lot more… I\'m devestated.

I went to Austin, Tx twice since December.  Our 12 year friendship had blossomed into something more back in December.  It has been in the back of our minds to be more than just friends for some time, but december was the first time that I felt comfortable enough to go on a trip all by myself and to give myself to everything… hugging, kissing, hand holding… sex.  At first I thought it was partially because I was tired of waiting.  What I\'ve realized since the second trip in February is that I really did want more from our relationship.  I wanted to try.  I wanted him to move here.  I wanted to think that we had a future.  I just needed more time to find my footing.  I needed more time to realize what the relationship truly was.

I feel angry and sad.  I\'m angry with him and the life he lived… I\'m angry that I have been angry with him for the last few months.  For wanting him to have a different lifestyle… a real job… for him to just figure his shit out so we could be together.  And I\'m angry at myself for being angry about him and not myself.  I didn\'t try to make things better.  I traveled to see him, but I didn\'t voice my opinions to him.  I let him make up his mind.  I tried to stay out of his decisions. 

It\'s dumb… I feel so lost.

I cried the last day I saw him.  Tried to hide the tears that started right from the outstart of the day when he left me in bed.  Cried through the morning… not allowing him to see just how upset I was.  I broke down in front of him… and it was horrible.  I cried the whole rest of the day… I watched him waiting for the bus while I waited for my plane to start boarding.  I watched him get on the bus, and I cried.

February 21st was the last time I saw Charles alive.  In the back of my mind I felt it was the last time I was going to see him.  I thought it was due to the fact that it would be a long time before I could make another trip… a long time before he was financially able to come to Minnesota… or, the worst of the thoughts was that we wouldn\'t see each other again because I would push him away and break up with him.  I\'ve been steadily pushing him away for the last month and a half.  Self preservation… I don\'t know.

I was tired of waiting for him.  I just wanted him here now, or not at all.  When I told him Sunday night that maybe we should just be what we used to be… friends who didn\'t worry about the trips… he told me it wouldn\'t be easy on him to do that… and that it just wasn\'t who he was.  That was the last thing he said to me.

I didn\'t question his not texting or calling all day monday.  I questioned the person who did text… someone who didn\'t like that I was friends or more with Charles… and thats when I found out the bad news.  horrible news really.

I was used to talking to him in the evenings… we would go back and forth, texting later in the evening… recently about his upcomming trip in July… sometimes I would voice my concerns that he was probably better off with out me.  I wish I had said better things to him.

Gotta go…