I broke down a little over a week ago. I cried,I screamed, I broke things, I hit myself so bad I made myself bleed. I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. I finally snapped.For the first time I understood fear.I feel like a different person. This isn't me. I've shut down completely. I have no energy. I have this internal shake i can't seem to get rid of, no matter how calm or safe I am. Thoughts and emotions are flying so fast through my head, yet I feel like I walking waist-deep through mud.
I understand how agoraphobia develops from anxiety now. I understood ti from an acedemic perspective, but I never quite grasped it fully. Now I do. It's fear of loosing control. I lost it already. I know everything I have been fearing is completely irrational, but I can't stop the thoughts. What if I forget how to drive? I could justloose controll of the carand crash.I know I'm not going to, but I'm scared. What if I break down crying in front of someone? Or hyperventaliation? Or worse, loose complete control of everything? How embarresing! how terrifying!
After melting down, I stopped gonig to work. I wanted to dissapear off teh face of the earth. The thought of working terrified me. Look what i had become. This isn't me to feel or act like this. I should be able to controll myself. Its embarressing; it's dissapointing. I've never done that before. I love to work. I work. i'm a good worker! I should be able to handle it- everyone else does. So many people are worse off than me.
Just thinking of walking in the building, seeing co-workers, interacting with customers was and is terrifying. What if i break down at work. I've cried so many times in the bathroom then put on a happy face for everyone. One day i couldn't take it anymore. I was terrible. people noticed. I told them i was homesick. When someone finally texted me i said i was wicked sick. i didnt' say from what. I never talked to a manager. never called. Never showed up.
I'm sure they don't care. They probably already forgot. They don't cae about me. They are a corporation. the turnover rate is so high I wasn't even done with training before I was no longer the new kid.
I try to get by one day at a time. But I'm stuck. I need money. I need to get that last paycheck. Why don't they just mail it all ready! I don't understnad why it's so hard for me to even think about going there.
Idrove to the store for the first time in over a week. I cried the entire way there and back.
My social worker doesn't think I should work right now. I need to focus on myself. I completely agree, but how an I suppost to pay bills? I have food, my boyfriend gets paid tuesday, so rent won't be too late; but we're runing of out ciggarretts and already went through all our quarters. And I need gas to get to two doctors apointments and go get his paycheck tuesday!!
I feel so stagnet. I want to get better. But it's so hard. I need a job. I freak out thinking about it. Drving! (my car is one of my safe zones but now when it's in motion!) I have to talk to people to apply. I have always been so social and confordable talking to anyone. now I just want to hide! I need to fake it. What if I can't? Even if i get a job, something laid back, with good people: what if it gets busy and I get overwhelmed and can't escape? What if the boss isn't there and i can't handle it? I feel so out of controll all the time; i don't trust myself to behaive. i don't know why I'm so different!
At home, I'm safe- from embarresment or harm at least. i can't escape the feelings, the thoughts, the mood swings. Sometime I can manage them 9even when they are bad), but they never go away. I can't calm down. i can't relax. Even when i'm safe. Even when all the tears are gone, and I'm exhasted from all the yelling and kicking, its still there. I shake. You can't always see it, but I feel it all the time. The shaking is what I understand to be anxiety.
When i start to slip, i fear it. Thats the panic, the fear of loosing control.Eyes widen, heart pumps.i feel like a field mouse, it the middle of the meadow, waiting for a cat- high alert.It's like my body is gonig into fight or flight responce, but my head can't decided which one to choose. So i just freeze. "i don't know" seems tobe my response to everything.
Observing myselfseems to help.Writing down any and all observationsis helping me develop a case study on myself. if I can learn to balance all aspects of my life, I hope I will be happy and able to go aboutmy daily life just liek anyone else. I want to learn everything. Patterns of behavior and thought and ways to combat it. How my broken pancrease (i have type one diabetes)and monthly cycleplay a part in my mood. Diet, exersice, vitamins. Philospohy, religion and creation (artmaking).
I can't wait untill I see a psychiatrist and get furhter along in therapy. The healing processes is taking along time to get started. All I can do to get by day to day is to try to distract myself- whether its watching tv, making art, reading, or writing everything I think of.