I broke down a little over a week ago. I cried,I screamed, I broke things, I hit myself so bad I made myself bleed. I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. I finally snapped.For the first time I understood fear.I feel like a different person. This isn't me. I've shut down completely. I have no energy. I have this internal shake i can't seem to get rid of, no matter how calm or safe I am. Thoughts and emotions are flying so fast through my head, yet I feel like I walking waist-deep through mud.

I understand how agoraphobia develops from anxiety now. I understood ti from an acedemic perspective, but I never quite grasped it fully. Now I do. It's fear of loosing control. I lost it already. I know everything I have been fearing is completely irrational, but I can't stop the thoughts. What if I forget how to drive? I could justloose controll of the carand crash.I know I'm not going to, but I'm scared. What if I break down crying in front of someone? Or hyperventaliation? Or worse, loose complete control of everything? How embarresing! how terrifying!

After melting down, I stopped gonig to work. I wanted to dissapear off teh face of the earth. The thought of working terrified me. Look what i had become. This isn't me to feel or act like this. I should be able to controll myself. Its embarressing; it's dissapointing. I've never done that before. I love to work. I work. i'm a good worker! I should be able to handle it- everyone else does. So many people are worse off than me.

Just thinking of walking in the building, seeing co-workers, interacting with customers was and is terrifying. What if i break down at work. I've cried so many times in the bathroom then put on a happy face for everyone. One day i couldn't take it anymore. I was terrible. people noticed. I told them i was homesick. When someone finally texted me i said i was wicked sick. i didnt' say from what. I never talked to a manager. never called. Never showed up.

I'm sure they don't care. They probably already forgot. They don't cae about me. They are a corporation. the turnover rate is so high I wasn't even done with training before I was no longer the new kid.

I try to get by one day at a time. But I'm stuck. I need money. I need to get that last paycheck. Why don't they just mail it all ready! I don't understnad why it's so hard for me to even think about going there.

Idrove to the store for the first time in over a week. I cried the entire way there and back.

My social worker doesn't think I should work right now. I need to focus on myself. I completely agree, but how an I suppost to pay bills? I have food, my boyfriend gets paid tuesday, so rent won't be too late; but we're runing of out ciggarretts and already went through all our quarters. And I need gas to get to two doctors apointments and go get his paycheck tuesday!!

I feel so stagnet. I want to get better. But it's so hard. I need a job. I freak out thinking about it. Drving! (my car is one of my safe zones but now when it's in motion!) I have to talk to people to apply. I have always been so social and confordable talking to anyone. now I just want to hide! I need to fake it. What if I can't? Even if i get a job, something laid back, with good people: what if it gets busy and I get overwhelmed and can't escape? What if the boss isn't there and i can't handle it? I feel so out of controll all the time; i don't trust myself to behaive. i don't know why I'm so different!

At home, I'm safe- from embarresment or harm at least. i can't escape the feelings, the thoughts, the mood swings. Sometime I can manage them 9even when they are bad), but they never go away. I can't calm down. i can't relax. Even when i'm safe. Even when all the tears are gone, and I'm exhasted from all the yelling and kicking, its still there. I shake. You can't always see it, but I feel it all the time. The shaking is what I understand to be anxiety.

When i start to slip, i fear it. Thats the panic, the fear of loosing control.Eyes widen, heart pumps.i feel like a field mouse, it the middle of the meadow, waiting for a cat- high alert.It's like my body is gonig into fight or flight responce, but my head can't decided which one to choose. So i just freeze. "i don't know" seems tobe my response to everything.

Observing myselfseems to help.Writing down any and all observationsis helping me develop a case study on myself. if I can learn to balance all aspects of my life, I hope I will be happy and able to go aboutmy daily life just liek anyone else. I want to learn everything. Patterns of behavior and thought and ways to combat it. How my broken pancrease (i have type one diabetes)and monthly cycleplay a part in my mood. Diet, exersice, vitamins. Philospohy, religion and creation (artmaking).

I can't wait untill I see a psychiatrist and get furhter along in therapy. The healing processes is taking along time to get started. All I can do to get by day to day is to try to distract myself- whether its watching tv, making art, reading, or writing everything I think of.

2 Comments
  1. jessieblack 12 years ago

    I\'m so sorry you are going through all this, I really am because at the moment I am feeling exactly the same. There doesn\'t seem to be any relief unless you can totally absorb yourself in something else, a difficult thing to do and inevitably it comes to an end and you remind yourself that you suffer with anxiety and it comes flooding back in again. All I want to say is be careful if you decide to start researching online, sometimes you\'ll come across other people\'s stories and it only makes you worse, you\'re anxiety can sometimes feed on \'horror\' stories you may accidently find. I did it only recently!! In fact reading this blog made me feel a bit scared lol!! It\'s the feeling that I\'m losing control or worse my mind, that I find so difficult to cope with. What strategies do you have to help yourself? All the best.

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  2. bravebear 12 years ago

    I can understand how trying to identify with other people\'s stories can make one feel worse. I\'ve worked my self up more before. Writing it down and being honest enough with myself to record the things I want to forget is hard. I think that is one of the scary things about it- admitting that it is real. But I suppose you have to literally face your fears in order to over come them. When I was writing it did rekindle some negative emotion, but now Ive let it resonate with me that all this is real and its almost a relief. I\'m scared right now, but now that I\'ve acknowledged that is happening, I feel like I can do something about it. I believe anyone else can get through. Its important to understand that your not alone.

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