i thought i would explain what’s going on in my life so you’ll understand my poems. i go on walks at night in the neighborhoods near our house to escape my dad. it’s the only way i can sort-of breathe at all. i usually listen to music while i walk because it helps me to escape my dad in my mind, too. and i’ve been walking past this guy’s house and he’ll be sitting outside in his lawn chair just watching me. it’s not creepy, he’s just staring at me like i’m cool or something. but it flips me out cause he’s so cute:) and then he’ll get amused cause i’m flipping out. anyway.

on sunday or monday night i got super suicidal cause i’m overwhelmed, traumatized, and alone. i can’t breathe anymore and i can’t cry either. my parents started fighting all the time again, plus still punishing me for every mistake i make. so i was just done.

and then. voila. the guy walks past me. i was swinging on the swings and he was just looking at me. so i looked back. and then, yeah, i hate to admit it, but i freaked out and looked away bc he’s so so hot.

but for some reason it doesn’t feel coincidental. and so i stayed alive cause i wanted to see him again the next day. and you know what? i haven’t seen him yet. but i still want to stay alive. cause even though things are getting worse at home, this will probably work out and this aspect of my life will get better. i guess it’s some sort of trade-off.

but it’s not safe… i’m not okay…. if he leaves me i’m going to kill myself…. i was going to anyway… but he’s the only thing stopping me…..