So I am about to make my rounds to all of my friends and say hello. But I thought a blog might be in order first. I don’t know who actually reads these things, but for the sake of sanity… I shall write.
My last entry I found out my fiance was cheating on me. The whole situation was so ass backwards I didn’t know up from down. So I took about 2 weeks away to battle those demons. I don’t want to be pleagued by depression, I don’t want it to rule my life and I find that thus far – it has done nothing but.
The other week my room mate (and ex boyfriend) was pressing buttons. He’s the type of person to press and press and press, even when you beg him to back off – and then wonder why he finds you in the bathroom slicing open your own veins. Its not rocket science. You don’t push the buttons of a clinically depressed person and expect a great, wonderful outcome. Idiot!
But I don’t cut myself. So that wasn’t the case.
Instead he went chasing me down the street, screaming at me. Standing in my way when I was trying to run away from him. Pushing me, yelling at me, throwing terrible things, verbally into my face. It was at that instance I started to become suicidal again. I havn’t even thought about killing myself since I was 17… now I am 23. I still tried to get away from him… he followed me 3 blocks… till finally I smashed my head twice into a tree. It was the only thing I could do, to hurt myself, rather than hurt someone else. Even though that person was tormenting me. I found the nearest bus stop and waiting… I was going to my moms house. He drove to the bus stop and proceeded to bitch at me, even make a joke about me hitting myself into the tree. With tears gushing from my eyes… I looked at him and said “Please stop, you’re making me suicidal” and he finally went away. Instead of going to my mothers I went to dinner and grabbed myself some ice cream. Came home calmed down. He then bothered my siblings and had them bother me and ask me what was wrong. I just told them to go away and told him not to use my siblings… all in all. I had to pick myself up and try to move on.
For the last two weeks I have thought about nothing but to kill myself. Ways to kill myself. But I keep reminding myself that I have purpose. I don’t know what it is but I have one!