Well, a decision has been made and my dad, who has been in the hospital since march 2008, is awaiting for the ventilator to be switched off on Wednesday. He suffered a heart attack in march. All these medical problems are from being exposed to agent orange from his time in Koerea and the Viet nam war. He had his leg apputated twice in the last 3 years. the first time was two summers ago, and they apputaded the lower foot of his left leg. Then last summer they took off his lower leg. The amputations were a result of his diebetic condition that was caused by the agent orange. My relationship with my Dad since my childhood was not a pleasent one. It was terrible at all times. My current book, I am working on, has a great deal to do with that relationship.

Ity has been decided with the consult of some wise people to go ahead and let life take its' natural course, and he will probably die on Wednesday. This assumes that he will live that long.

I would have liked to say, I love my dad, but I can't. I went to the hospital today to visit him. He is barely responsive, do to his current condition, as they wean him off of the medications. The plan is to bring him home, which is his last wish, so he can die at home. For the last couple of days, all my brothers and sisters have been flying in. I have had to make many trips to the airport to pick people up. My nieces and nephews are also flying in.

I am very concerned with my OCD, I don't feel shocked or stressed out, but I have been tired and my eyes has started to sweel up (the area arond the eyes, and not the eye itself). That tends to happen when my body is stressing out, even though my mind seems perfectly find. I have been having a ton os flashbaclks everyday. I have explained to my sister that this, the flashbacks, happen everyday.

Should I be sad? Sould I be shocked, or depresed? I don't really know. I can really say "I don't". I have had a longer time to process that this moment was going to happen then my sisters and brothers. It was a shock to some of them, when they found out the ventilator was going to be turned off.

I still have much anger of unresolved issues from my childhood with my dad. At this point, it seems moot, and i really seems unimportant to me.

I feel bad that my dad is never going to see, the fuits of my labors. I have had a hard struggle in life; my childhood, my mental conditions, and my accident.

Tues day and Today was the first time I had gone to see my dad in the hospital, since I drove him to the emergancy room back in march. although my mother has goen to the hospital everyday since that time. I have chosen not to go. It may seem petty, but i felt, after having a terrible childhood, and all the negative attitude from my dad, prior to his last heart attack. I felt that it was wrong to go to someone, who has viewd my entire life as a mistake. After talking with my sister last night, who took the news of the decision hard, i decided to take the high road and go to the hospital every opportunity I can get until next Wednesday, when he will probably die. Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me a ingratful person? I don't know. My feelings ar very strong about not going to the hospital, but I was thinking, what I want is not really important. He is my dad. I don't have any children, so my children are going to grow up in a world, never knowing him. My grandfather died when I was born. I have no memory of my grandfather, and I only met my grandmother on three occasions in my childhood. It has been explained to me that his parents were not good people,and sent all his brothers and sisters away when they were five years old and younger.

I was aksed if his childhood was a direct relation to the relationship he had with me. I can certainly understand how it contribute, but I don't think it is a good excuse, since I was the last of six kids, and he treated my other siblings really well, but treated my like crap.

I have been told, if I don't spend time with my dad this last week of his life, that i will regret it the rest of my life and have more pyschological problems later. If this is true, and I do see my father this last week, doesn't that make me a selfish person? If i see him to prevent further harm to me, I don't feel I am doing it out of love, but more out of personal gain. I am a pagan, and I believe it is wrong to do things with the sole purpose of personal gain. My sister told me I did that right thing about going to the hospital. I didn't feel right. I touch my fathers arm, but i don't think he was cognant of that. all of his arms ar swollen. When the body slowly dies off, weird things happen to the body.

I can honestly say, I don't feel anything when I am in the presense of my dad. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know…

1 Comment
  1. rq5738 14 years ago

    You are not a "bad" person.  Do what you need to do- you will torture yourself thinking about it.  I'll be thinking about you and wishing you well.  I understand how terribly hard this is, and I'll give you a little bit of info on that later.  Hang in there…

     

    ~RQ 

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