Long time no post guys. I'll do another blog soon about my progress since I haven't been on here in a while. More on that later though.
Short and to the point version
I have a question regarding false memory OCD. The short version of what I want to ask is this – is it possible for completely fabricated images/ideas/scenarios/visuals/anything to pop up while worrying about something? I was worried I had done something to a much younger cousin when I was 13-14. And I thought to myself "If I did attempt to do that, it would hurt me in the process." (I worried I pulled her onto my lap while I had an erection) and I vaguely remember then wondering "Fine, if that did happen, what would happen next?" and I suddenly had this visual playing in my head of me hurt, and my younger cousin jumping off my lap saying "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
And it scared the hell out of me. I can't remember actually doing the act that lead up to it, though there are some visuals of it in my head and I can "feel it" when I think about it or replay the idea in my head. But having this visual of her jumping up and saying "I'm sorry" where I can hear her say it? That scares me . Is that possible? It really freaks me out becuase now I have this worry about it even happening where I see her landing on my lap and me experiencing pain and when I think about it I can imagine how it would feel. Then to have this next part imagined visually it's becoming WAY too much and it feels real and it's scaring me. Have any of you had anything like that?
Here's the longer verison
I've had OCD since I was 14 or so. I believe it developed out of trauma/guilt after realizing I did inappropriate things with my cousins who were younger than I was. I was inappropriately attracted to them and would do things like rub my legs against them in the pool (I was 13-14 and they were 3-6 years younger than me).
A lot of my OCD revolves around worries that I took the inappropriate actions to new much worse levels. For instance, the one trouble me now is that I had a memory where I "played a game" that involved me pulling them onto my lap.
As of right now that is all I remember clearly about that day. That I did that. I even remember confessing to my mom that I did that when I talked to her about the things I *did* do and my guilt over them.
The worry is this – I've replayed that day in my head many times worrying I did more than just pull them onto my lap. I'm worried I had an erection and was trying to pull them onto it (to either rub it on them or get it in them) when I'd pull them into my lap. (We were all wearing bathing suits). I'd visualize what that was like and imagine how it would feel to prove to myself I have no memory of it happening. I also concluded if I did that it would hurt. That leads to my worry. I was going over all this when suddenly I got an image in my head of her jumping off my lap saying "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" – it felt so real, I could see it in my head and hear it in her voice as though it were a memory. Is it possible for me to worry about this topic and have this sudden visual in my head where I see her do that and hear her say that? Is that OCD?
sorry – there's a bit more
i was worrying about this all again just now, worrying about the thought where i heard my cousin say "I'm sorry!" and as i was trying to see if i remembered anything else to convince myself it's not a memory i had this faint idea pop into my head of her saying "What happened?" before the other thing I was worried she said.
it felt really vague and not so strong so i tried not to worry about it.
then i imagined my OTHER cousin saying it for some reason but the voice seemed exaggerated so I'm like "okay this is really weak, this can't be real i shouldn't worry about this. this is totally possible to just pop up like that." and then I heard THAT cousin say "I'm telling aunt c." and while it wasn't particularly strong it's the fact that it popped up out of nowhere in her voice that scared me. like in my thoughts i heard her "say" these things. is that possible? it's scaring me because it feels so real.
i know reassurance is bad but false memories are rough and i need to know if these things are possible or if it indicates that they might be real