Long time no post guys. I'll do another blog soon about my progress since I haven't been on here in a while. More on that later though.

Short and to the point version
I have a question regarding false memory OCD. The short version of what I want to ask is this – is it possible for completely fabricated images/ideas/scenarios/visuals/anything to pop up while worrying about something? I was worried I had done something to a much younger cousin when I was 13-14. And I thought to myself "If I did attempt to do that, it would hurt me in the process." (I worried I pulled her onto my lap while I had an erection) and I vaguely remember then wondering "Fine, if that did happen, what would happen next?" and I suddenly had this visual playing in my head of me hurt, and my younger cousin jumping off my lap saying "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

And it scared the hell out of me. I can't remember actually doing the act that lead up to it, though there are some visuals of it in my head and I can "feel it" when I think about it or replay the idea in my head. But having this visual of her jumping up and saying "I'm sorry" where I can hear her say it? That scares me . Is that possible?  It really freaks me out becuase now I have this worry about it even happening where I see her landing on my lap and me experiencing pain and when I think about it I can imagine how it would feel.  Then to have this next part imagined visually it's becoming WAY too much and it feels real and it's scaring me.  Have any of you had anything like that?



Here's the longer verison

I've had OCD since I was 14 or so. I believe it developed out of trauma/guilt after realizing I did inappropriate things with my cousins who were younger than I was. I was inappropriately attracted to them and would do things like rub my legs against them in the pool (I was 13-14 and they were 3-6 years younger than me).

A lot of my OCD revolves around worries that I took the inappropriate actions to new much worse levels. For instance, the one trouble me now is that I had a memory where I "played a game" that involved me pulling them onto my lap.

As of right now that is all I remember clearly about that day. That I did that. I even remember confessing to my mom that I did that when I talked to her about the things I *did* do and my guilt over them.

The worry is this – I've replayed that day in my head many times worrying I did more than just pull them onto my lap. I'm worried I had an erection and was trying to pull them onto it (to either rub it on them or get it in them) when I'd pull them into my lap. (We were all wearing bathing suits). I'd visualize what that was like and imagine how it would feel to prove to myself I have no memory of it happening. I also concluded if I did that it would hurt. That leads to my worry. I was going over all this when suddenly I got an image in my head of her jumping off my lap saying "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" – it felt so real, I could see it in my head and hear it in her voice as though it were a memory. Is it possible for me to worry about this topic and have this sudden visual in my head where I see her do that and hear her say that? Is that OCD?



ADDENDUM:
sorry – there's a bit more

i was worrying about this all again just now, worrying about the thought where i heard my cousin say "I'm sorry!" and as i was trying to see if i remembered anything else to convince myself it's not a memory i had this faint idea pop into my head of her saying "What happened?" before the other thing I was worried she said.  

it felt really vague and not so strong so i tried not to worry about it.  

then i imagined my OTHER cousin saying it for some reason but the voice seemed exaggerated so I'm like "okay this is really weak, this can't be real i shouldn't worry about this.  this is totally possible to just pop up like that."  and then I heard THAT cousin say "I'm telling aunt c."  and while it wasn't particularly strong it's the fact that it popped up out of nowhere in her voice that scared me.  like in my thoughts i heard her "say" these things.  is that possible? it's scaring me because it feels so real.  

i know reassurance is bad but false memories are rough and i need to know if these things are possible or if it indicates that they might be real

3 Comments
  1. MEandOCD 9 years ago

    Okay just to be clear OCD is usually hereditary and is not known to be caused by trauma. I mean I suppose it could be but there is no real statistic on it because it would be a minescule number. OCD is not like PTSD. It is a hair trigger loop response in the brain. Its chemical. That being said, yes it can \”create\” false memories inthat it says you did something that you did not and can wear you down until you are unsure what really happened. I have not expirienced it creating an audible memory but I suppose that's possible. I am not sure that is what is going on however.

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  2. jtm333 9 years ago

    Understood – I mean hereditary or not I have OCD based on how I react to things, the ruminations, images, etc.

    That said using the word audible isn’t exactly how I’d phrase it.  I don’t actually [b]literally[/b] hear anything – meaning I don’t hear REAL sounds or hear what I think is a real sound. This isn’t a “oh my god am i schizophrenic” sort of worry/thing happening. Imagine someone saying something in their own voice. Imagine a friend or co-worker saying “Hey friend!” in their own voice and what that sounds like. I’m sure you can at least “picture” in your head what that’s like. That’s what I mean by “hearing them say it” in my head.

    What I am struggling with here is that these images or scenarios will pop into my head as I am worrying about a particular fear. I worry I did something wrong because of an image or idea that popped into my head and as I try to figure out if it really happened or not, other images and ideas start to come into my brain and I can’t tell if it’s just my head messing with me and it’s my OCD or if they’re really memories and it’s scary.

    Does OCD work like that? Like… if I get this idea in my head “What if I did this?” and start worrying about it, then images that fit the worry start to crop up – is that normal for OCD? Then to have the aforementioned “hearing” people saying things in their own voice in these imagined scenarios etc?

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  3. joyce32304 9 years ago

    I am sure you have ocd. the examples you gave is POCD. Ocd can cause a person to have false memories, guilt, and worries. Seek a therapist so u wont have to live in fear any longer.Best wushes

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