If anyone who I used to talk to all the time on here still remember me, (which I hope so!) then I'm glad to know that you are all still here. Ofcourse I always love to make new friends too :).

Anyways, it has been a good several months that I have not been on here, partially maybe because I wanted to give all my buddies on here a break from my daily torment and insanity, and also because that extreme level of pain and torment had almost completley subsided and I wanted to try not talking about my sickness for a while, since I had been so often during those really long winter months. It was really scary what I went through last winter, and I'm grateful to God that I had all of you to support me and cry to, even if it was over a computer screen. I remember saying to myself those couple of months," I don't know if I'm going to come out of this alive, and if I am alive, I will definitly be strapped down to a stretcher in a padded room where I would have to live out the rest of my f**** life…it was the most scary, lonley, painful, and dark winter I have ever experienced and somehow, as soon as the sun started to come back, its almost like I slowly came back to life. I get a lump in my throat every time I think about trying to make myself get up out of bed, not being able to eat, going to that quack of a doctor's office every week (sometimes twice a week) drowning in medical bills and my own misery and waiting for Eric to leave me. Somehow, he's still here with me, we just moved out of my parent's basement and into a house, and I still really don't have a job yet, but I'm always looking. I was feeling "leveled out" and almost totally normal the past few months until I saw the first leaf of Autumn in our new driveway…a chill ran down my spine and I began to get flash backs of last winter, I'm scared out of my mind that this winter willl bring me as much misery if not more, than last time. Over the past few weeks, my sanity has been decreasing and my symptoms increasing, pretty quickly. I'm scared. I really don't want to go through what I went through last year, but I have a lot of stressors on my plate and winter does not help. I almost lost my father literally the morning after Eric and I moved into the house, when he fell off of a 12 ft ladder and landed on his head…talk about a F****** PANIC ATTACK…I got a phone call from my mother and flew down the highway to the hospital where my father was almost unconcious. It is a miracle that he is alive. He is getting better and is very lucky, but he is still very weak. On top of moving to a new area, new house, new everything, being broke, not being able to find work, my OCD is beginning to increase….hopefully I will be stronger this time around. ON a slightlY POSITIVE NOTE, check out my newest photo, it came out kind of blurry on here, but it is the first page of a very long graphic novel project that I am doing about people like us. Talk to you all soon

  1. hancey 10 years ago

    Welcome back!!

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  2. chez 10 years ago

     Hi i live in the UK and there is something called S.A.D sad i can't exactly remember with it stands for seasonl something depression it's to do with the season's changing especially going into the winter that causes depression i don't know if you have heard of it if not maybe try googling it because to me it sound like that but i could be totally wrong and nice to meet you even if it is over the computer lol.

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  3. coffeedad 10 years ago

    Hi Jess!  Glad to see you rejoin us!  🙂  Try to stay positive about the winter coming, as you know if you anticipate it will be horrid, it will be.  Just turn up your heat to 85, throw on some bob marley and dance around the house in a bikini.  I do it all the time.  No, not really but it's still a valid recommendation.  Nonetheless, there's nothing you can do about the seasons changing so hopefully you can make the best of it. 

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