Well what can I say.

I'm a compuslive gambler. I'm not trying to undermine other addictions but I persoanlly feel like I'd rather be a drug addict, an alcoholic, anything but this. Perhaps thats just because of the circle of friends/family I ahve grown up in and been around, drugs just seems like a more permissable way to waste your life. Than compuslive gambling. Hell I'm not even getting high of it. (Ive used plenty of drugs in teh past by the way just never suffered from an addiction as strong as this gambling one). By the way I am also addicted to OTC pain medications at the moment. Anythign with codeine in them .  I take them. They sometimes make me vomit. But I still stake them.

Well I have a story. I sad and horrible story. It started wtih me trying to make something of my life after coming from nothing. I never worked full time. My mental illness prevented me doing that. But many years back after some excellent money management on my behalf I"d saved up 10k. Had to quit the weed to do that, but I was determined and I did.

I dont know what initially triggered the gambling. Lonely, bordem, and my eating disorder, a desired to get out of the hosue , go somewhere that doesn't require socialisation or food.

Within 6 months the 10K was gone. After that my dad died. It gave me an excuse to continue to gamble. that was 18 mnoths ago. After that I gambled every penny i earned and every penny  on my credit card. About 4.5k.

I have won enough to pay off my credit card in one go, but lost it all again in a week. Maxed out my credit card another 1K didn't even know that was possibly since I"d reached my limit. Guess the banks don't care, I'll be paying it back to them triple.

At the time I was scared. Borrowed money from a friend to pay the 1k overdraft. never did pay that overdraft just gambled again.  I still owe him the money too.

I took my ex's card (for a legitimate reason) but then completely non legitimately STOLE HIS RENT MONEY AND GAMBLED EVERY CENT) you'd be surprised to know that he was still actually my partner at that point and NOT my ex. god knows why.

I went on gambling every spare cent. Got an xmas bonus. Wanted to pay it to my friend but dilly dallied around until inevitably I gamlbed that too. Still haven't paid him back.

Found an out. Withdrew on my super. Got 3k that covered half my debts. Within 2 weeks I lost it. Plus another 1k.

That bring me to now. I have to stop. Classes start this week, it's the most important year of my life so far. It's my time to make something of myself. This is it people.

I owe a lot of money. I am going to do some 'artistic photography' …if they'll even take me…looking over pictures i've really let myself go. Everythign I 've had has gone onto gambling. My hairs an embarrassments, my clothes are shameful, and my skin is a mess. Nevertheless I"ll try. I desperatley need that extra cash.

As if a sign from *SOMEWHERE* my ex (when we were still together) said I should never do anything like this because it will follow me around the rest of my life. You konw how once something gets on the internet it never really leaves?

Well I've already lost all dignitiy, all self respect, anything i thought i had was gone.

I moved out of home when i was 15. And it wasn't until this gambling addiction had i EVER BEEN IN DEBT, or EVER ASEKD TO BORROW MONEY….now its something I've become accustomed too.

That's what addiction does. Turns you into something you'd never thought you be.

I just hope someday, somehow I can get my life back.

Please help me.

This is rambling I know, my thoughts are fragmented. They;'ve been like this for some time now. I thought it was my anti'd's, I thought it was my anti psychotics, but u know what i think now,….. i can pinpoint this vague incoherency of thoughts to beginning wit hthe gambling. It's killing my brain. The only thing i ever had.

I have to save myself. No one can do it for me.

God I just have to.

I don't want to be destroyed.