OK……here goes.  The past two years have been such hell.  Some of it because of situations that i created, some because of things that were just done to me, either way, they were really tough.  In my past alcohol was something that i abused when i drank it, yet could take it or leave it.  Well, it now appears that i have become a full blown alcoholic.  I just started drinking a little on the weekends, then on thursdays, then most days.  Then i started getting pretty wasted ALOT all by myself, alone in my little bubble.  SO…i say oh my god this is crazy, i am only going to allow myself to have a few on the weekends, YEAH RIGHT!!!!    I would just make up for the 4 weekdays on the 3 weekend days.  I started hiding my bottles so know one saw or knew….yet i knew.  I was filled with shame every day, yet didnt stop me from doing it again.  I couldnt stand to feel anymore. I couldnt stand how difficult life had become, and drinking just "took it all away".  Everyone around me thinks i have my shit together, that i am so put together.  "so amazing how i can handle it all" everyone says.  Yeah, they could handle it too if they just drown it all out.  I used to go to alanon and coda meetings….monday i went to my first AA meeting and said "hi I am caitlin and i am an alcoholic".  Even though i have not met any of you face to face (well most of you anyway) writing this now is just as hard as monday night was.  But hell, if anyone can related, you all can, and i need you all now more than ever.  Thank you for reading..thank you for caring, and most of all thank you for not judging…..seems that ccaruso now has sober since date added to her profile.  love you all