I’ve been thinking a lot about names and what they mean? I’ve recently discovered that names matter more than I originally thought. I always felt that when parents name their child and it means something like ‘the healer’ or ‘one with power’ or something to that effect, that it didn’t matter. Like you have good intentions probably but I don’t believe it determines who your child is going to grow up to be. On the other hand maybe its something to do with the parents and their genes, realizing they have this within them they name their offspring after it. Maybe that’s why it seems to either fit their child or be the complete opposite. In that case maybe the parents named their child after what they wished they had within them.

So I began to wonder if my name suited me. Apparently it means noble, truth/honesty, or something of a miracle-depending on the origin. I began to search what name it originally derived from. My mind went trailing and I soon rediscovered an old friend, more so an old fantasy.

Become a new person. Change your identity and start over.

We do this all the time don’t we? Every year we reinvent ourselves or when we move to a new place. It’s a change of scenery and a start of a new chapter in your life. We’re always changing so why should it be a big deal to change you name? It was always a fantasy to me. Some may call it running away or giving up. To a point it is running away but it isn’t me quitting, it’s me starting over. I like the idea of creating a new chapter in my life-creating something different of myself. I’m still me, I’m just changing and adapting. Making my own mark on the world.

So this is making me wonder if I’m suddenly having an identity crisis or something. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I’m going to become. I’m not sure of what I want to do with my life. I am not sure where it will lead. No one really knows I suppose but most have an inkling. Or a goal or something. Part of me wants to be on top of it all. I’m always wanting to be in control or at least have an inkling of a plan for the future. Sometimes I’m okay with free falling. The situation gives me a sense of freedom and fear. Fear comes from being uncertain of my capabilities and being unsure if my life will amount to something that matters to me. Or you know, making the wrong decision and maybe going down the wrong path. Everyone else around me seems to have a plan, a goal, a dream. I seem to be giant cloud “dunno”. A massive mountain of uncertainty.

I wonder if my friends think of me as a failure or someone that it isn’t organized or takes part in planning. I scoff at the thought. If they knew how much I plan and organize in every situation as small as walking out to get the mail due to my anxiety.

Anyway the freedom comes from having the whole world open to me. I can do anything I truly want to do. At least I haven’t made my decision. If I had, I might be trapped into doing the one thing, resulting in more hopelessness. The thing is, I know me. And when I get really set on something I have a hard time of letting the idea or plan go. Sometimes that clouds my judgment. I like to think of that as a good thing because that means once I’m committed to something there is no stopping me. If I feel strongly about something nothing will get in my way. I also like to think I keep an open mind, generally I do but once you spend so much time and effort on something its hard to think of just quitting or turning your back on something. Yet because of my anxiety, in most daily situations I am known for bailing. You go to school  and feel that you have to present something? Quick! Head to the nearest exist. I must be a contradicting person indeed.

I used to dream of getting rid of the majority of my things. The next thing I’d do after packing my bags is dye my hair, move to new place, change my name and simply start over.

It should be as plain and simple as that as far name changing goes but I do like my name for the most part. Even then I still want to change it. Almost helping me bring out this part of me.

I just want to get rid of my fear. I know that comes from within but I want change my name so I don’t have to feel unreasonably paranoid about someone finding me. I want to have social media without the fear of being recognized. Just in general, not by a single person in particular. For some reason I imagine some people I used to know or see every once in a while may comment on something or say something to me and suddenly I’ll feel embarrassed. For what I don’t know. Maybe for my appearance or actions and being uncertain of what they think of me. I’d rather create a new name and be myself under that name. My true self. It almost makes it feel like I can finally do whatever I’d like.

If I change my name however, what will become of the name I used to hold. I previously used the ‘new chapter’ reference so I’ll continue with it. Let me make up a name…Okay, say my name is Jane and in my life I’m on chapter 5. Now my name is Julie and I’ve gone through a few chapters, I’m now on chapter 12. What if I want to go back to being Jane for some reason, what is the story for Jane’s past 7 chapters? Or am I always just Jane? Julies story is Jane’s story as well? I am always me but I’ve created something different for myself (hopefully). What If I like them both though? I feel that the past is important. Some say that you need to let go of the past and it doesn’t dictate where you’re going or who you are. That’s total bull. Whatever happened to us in the past made us go “Yeah this is what I’m gonna do.” Or “This is how I’m going to be from now on so that never happens again.”. Past experiences or actions we’ve made in our lives may not be as extreme as to define us but it certainly effects us and may even determine how we want to be or what we want to do. It’s common sense right? But what if I change my name and my life has changed so much that I feel I can never go back to the name I once knew and loved? Won’t it be too difficult or weird to change the name that everyone else came to know as Julie? I’d feel like a fraud or it’s some weird secret. It’s possible I’d be creating more trouble or drama for myself in the future. Maybe that whole thing was too complicated to follow. Anyhow-

I think I just like the idea of being somebody else…with still being me. More like, feeling that I can finally be myself without the…consequences? That’s not the right word. I’m reducing myself to a set way because I think its the way my character should be because that’s just the way I happened to be with all of these mental disorders. It overtook my life and made me feel that my natural self wasn’t so natural anymore. The darkness was always an element but there was a line and it bled into the part of me to where I couldn’t keep the darkness at bay, hold it off until I was alone. It affected every step I took, every uncertain glance I gave, every perception I had of every words spoken to me. My anxiety and depression touched every part of me and my life.

It’ll always be a part of me, that’s okay-I accept it. It makes me, me. But it isn’t every part of me. I want to take my life back and start again. To do just that maybe changing my identity will help me with that.

-Until next time


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