Today October 7th is my birthday or it was. It's late now so I figured my time for celebrating has passed me now and the time to reflect has come. This date means so much to me then one could ever imagine. I try to find events and people born or anything relevent to this so it can make me happy. Today Evan Longoria, Thom York and Simon Cowell were born today. Also today my favorite baseball player of all time, Tony Gwynn, played his last game 13 years ago.
I wake up with so much optimism that today wouldn't be like any other day or it wouldn't be like last year or the year before or the year before that. It started out pretty good I woke up to one friend's text and her tweet saying Happy Birthday and she really wrote a small paragraph for me. So it already started off better then most birthdays. So then I go to work and the text from cousins comes in, then the posting of the facebook wall comes in. So thats pretty typical. I knew a few people would wish me happy birthday. Most people forget or don't give a damn.
What I had planned was just to go to dinner with family and just talk and sit and eat and really enjoy ourselves. I was really looking forward to dinner. I was really craving Olive Garden. I love italian food. I know it's not the most authentic but I do live right around the corner from one. But I utimately changed my mind and wanted to go to BJ Brewhouse instead. I choose this place just so I can watch the baseball game and it was somewhere we never tried before. So it was going to be something different for all of us. It's 5 of us in the family there's me, my sister, mom and dad and grandma. My mother was already annoyed by my grandmother. My grandmother has alzheimer's disease, so she asks a lot of questions. We get to the resturant and it seems that my father isn't impressed. He kinda liked the place but he treated the waiter very harshly. We did wait for a long time just for them to take our orders and the waiter did get my mom's drink wrong and my mom didn't like the food. It seemed my grandmother didn't liked it either but also said she was full. My dad liked his pork chop. I did enjoy my food but it was a little spicy for me trying to finish it. But it wasn't really what I expected. We hardly didn't talk to each other at all. At one point my dad took out his phone to watch some tv show. I found that to be very rude. I kept my mouth shut. I thank the waiter repeatedly for everything. It seemed like I was the only one that cared. I thanked my father for the dinner because he paid for it. When we got home, I got the same birthday cake I get every year. Oreo cake with chocolate chip ice cream. I kinda found that as a low point because I realize I can't even get my own birthday cake. I've always wanted a Baskin Robins ice cream cake but I'm always stuck with the oreo one. This year I did get a present and it was a sweater. I'm going to apreciate a lot out of that sweater. Can't remember the last time anyone got me anything. Sitting at that resturant made me realize how selfish and self centered these people really are but they do try to do everything to make me have a happy burthday. In the end I'm not happy. I mean my parents had to go drop my sister off at her apparment. I told her thank you for coming but as soon as they left I shut the door and started crying. I'm depressed that I'm not happy on my birthday. I don't get to celebrate the way I want, I don't have friends coming over doing something over the top, I don't have friends aksing my if I want to out for drinks and the drinks are on them. I don't recieve that at all, I'm giving that to them. I always out ther buying drinks or trying to something special for my friends and I can't get that in reutrn. I also trying to buy the best gifts for my parents but I can't choose my own birthday cake. I get a sweater and I'm going to appreciate that sweater forever.
I just want someone to come hold me and tell me things will get better. I miss that physical connection with another human being. I miss a woman's touch. I try and try and try and always get shot down. I live in fear of getting to 40 or geting to 50 or 60 or 80 and so on and being alone. I've always blown out candles wising for a girlfriend. Someone who will always love me and always be there for me. I do it every year for several years until I realize that it wasn't going to happen that way. I want to be with someone because I can't stand being alone. I can't stand not having someone to talk to when I get home from work. I can't stand that I don't have someone I can take out for a movie and dinner. I am just alone. It breaks my heart that I go to lunch alone and there is no one sitting across from me. With others staring and looking in my direction I always try to keep somewhat of a smile on my face. When I go out to bars or clubs I'm always looking like I'm going to meet people there. But there's no one I'm meeting. No one wants to meet a person that goes to clubs or bars alone.
I lay here in the dark at 22 and realize I haven't done enough. For me, my family, for you for everybody.