I think it’s impossible to deny it: my life now is tainted by my past. I’m certain many people have had shitty experiences at school, and I have my own opinions about a) the school system, and b) the cultural climate that led to the existence of so many bastards which fill the school system. But ultimately, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that, however it came to be, it has affected me emotionally, and emotions can’t be argued against. Emotions will always be stronger than logic, even though logic can sometimes talk it down.

I’m used to not showing a hint of weakness, to hiding from the world what I am. I’m used to thinking of the world as a bunch of shitty people, who will jump on those weaknesses the first chance they get. It’s only gotten worse over time. My anxious mind won’t even let me trust the people who have been nothing but kind to me, and I’m fucking sick of it.

There’s a song I was listening to recently, that seems to reflect these feelings: Bastards, by Kesha. It’s from her album Rainbow, which is full of songs dealing with inner demons. But listening to this one, which is already a slow song, makes me sad because, although it’s about not letting the bastards win, I know they already did. Even though I continue to fight against their bullshit, it sunk down long ago, and soaked me in fear and self-hatred.

Here’s the lyrics:

I got too many people
I got left to prove wrong
All those motherfuckers
Been too mean for too long
And I’m so sick of crying, yeah
Darling, what’s it for?
I could fight forever, oh
But life’s too short

Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down

Been underestimated
My entire life
I know people gonna talk shit
And darling, that’s fine
But they won’t break my spirit
I won’t let ’em win
I’ll just keep on living, keep on living, oh
The way I wanna live

Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down
Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down

The positive side of all this is that I hate myself a lot less than I used to. I’m still closeted, but at least I’ve come to terms with it in my own head. The only self-loathing that remains seems to be based on the fear of what others would say. So although I’m no longer hiding from myself, I’m still hiding from others.

That’s why this song is so sad to me. Although I’ve always told myself not to let the bastards get me down, I still do.

I guess the only thing to do is keep chasing acceptance.