So I've been having some hightened anxiety. Feeling overwhelmed and like time is slipping thru my fingers like a fine thread. I frantically grasp but its so fine it slips right thru my hands. I can't hold on and it is leaving me out of control. So i freakout, panic, whatever.

Saturday night i started feeling anxious, panicky and like my chest was too tight. I took an Ativan. It seemed to aliviate the intensity but didnt fully block it. I have a dr. appt today in about an hour and i'm stressed out. He perscribed the Ativan to be taken nightly to curb the GAD (which it wasn't doing) so I quit taking it daily and started only taking it on an as needed basis. Which seems to do more for me then being on it constantly. I'm worried hes going to get irritated or upset that I'm not following his instruction or may feel that i'm not activly trying to get better. Which i am. I just dont feel that taking it everyday, having some chemical in my body everynight was helping me. Not to mention being on it all the time was making me tired. I heard that Ativan is highly addictive so being on it allthe time didn't seem like a very wise decision (expecially if it wsn't helping). So far i've only felt I was freakin out bad enough to have taken it 4 times in the last 2 weeks. He perscribed me 15 and i still have quite a few left. I think that its a better decision even if it is technically 'self medicating' because i'm taking less. So we'll see what he says at 4:40 today.

My job has been getting on my nerves extra the last few days of work. Ever since about thursday of last week my boss has been extra shitty towards me. Example: my computer clock is 5 mins fast but I never go by that i go by my cell phone , which is accurate. My boss comes out, for some unknown reason, and looks at my desktop seeing that it reads 12:10 then looks at his watch, goes into another office and looks on that desktop and exclaims "your clock is 5 mins fast". I know! I tell him I go by my cellphone clock anyhow and he asks he time on that (which was correct). He then says hes going to lunch and leaves. I sat there in my chair getting angry because not only do I not leave based on my computer clock, I'm the first one in in the mornings by at least 20-30 mins, I always have everything set up when everyone arrives and I leave at the same time as those that got in 30 mins after me. I dont see where this is a very fair way of practice. I mean if i were to leave 5 mins early who care, i'm here 10 min before we even are OPEN. I get paid salary so its not like they are loosing money on me and i'm not making any money off of them. So…after my vacation to CostaRica in 3 wks I'm thinking of looking for aother job…but ina sesnse feel that I probably can't do much better and should just suck it up. But I just get so tired of being treated like a godamn kindergardener. I CAN TIE MY OWN SHOES, COUNT TO BLOODY 10 AND WIPE MY OWN ASS SO I GUESS THAT MEANS I CAN TELL TIME TOO.

1 Comment
  1. RecycleYourself 14 years ago

    i'm sorry jade. you are the bestest and anyone being a prick to you should be shot. i hope you feel better soon and that everything turns out well…which i know it will 😀

    0 kudos

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