I have never written a blog before and I don’t think anyone will be all that interested in reading it, but I figure if it is a way I can face my OCD then I may as well give it a shot.

I have had OCD my whole life, even as a child. I wasn’t diagnosed until around 15 and, unfortunately, a diagnoses is not a cure. It just meant that my invisible demon had been given and name and a face, but I still had to battle it, day in and day out. Some days are alright, some days I can cope. Then other days I feel like I am standing on the edge of the earth and wondering if I can possibly survive another second. When anxiety hits it is hell on earth. With OCD is means never knowing truth. An ultimate, nonnegotiable Truth does not exist in the mind of someone with OCD. When I am a slave to my thoughts I cannot be sure of anything. I can not tell you with any certainty that I am not a pedophile, a racist, a pervert, anything. There is not structural identity in which to hold on to. I envy those who can say for sure who they are. It is a gift that not many people are given.

OCD isn’t always what people think it means. OCD is leaving class in the middle of a lecture to go to the bathroom because you suddenly find you need a place to be alone with your thoughts, a place to take a deep breath and calm yourself. It is lying to your friends about why you do not want to see a certain movie because explaining to them that seeing it might send you into a downward spiral of anxiety will not be understood. It is feeling guilt, all the time, for things no one would think twice about. It is the inability to think that you can never be truly happy because OCD will never allow that to happen. It is a disease. A curse. A flaw. An intruder. A cross to bear all the time.

Medication and therapy can help, but it will always be there. Sometimes I wonder who I would be without OCD. I wonder if all that energy and time I spent worrying could have been used for something else. I think of all the opportunities I turned down out of fear, even the fear of fear. I think of days when my own thoughts stopped me from living my life. For so long I have been (and sometimes still am) a slave to my mind. I think of years of self-loathing and crying and feeling like a broken doll wanting to be fixed. I think of the strain I have often put on my loved ones who want to help but never knew how. I want to be free of OCD and know I can never be and the thought tears me up inside.

4 Comments
  1. ms-jenni 4 years ago

    I have Pure-O also. I can tell you with great certainty that you are NOT a racist,a pedophile or a pervert. OCD is only trying to trick your mind into believing these horrible things. You have to remember,it’s only a trick. You are the one that is in control and not OCD.

    You have to let the thoughts be and trust in yourself that you would never act upon any of them. If you were all of the horrible things that OCD tells you,tells us,that we are then the mere thought of being them wouldn’t scare us so.

    No,we will never be free of OCD. I wish I could tell you that we will. But, you have to live your life and not let it define who you are. You have to go and do the things that you want to do. The longer you hide from the things that scare you the more the fear will grow and grow till it becomes an insurmountable force.

    I’m not a doctor or an expert but I know the fear that you feel inside because I’ve felt all of it so many times. Just please,don’t let it take you over. Trust in yourself and believe that you are a good and strong person and you can and will get through this. I know you don’t know me but if you ever need to talk I’m here.

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      missyj 4 years ago

      Thanks you! You’re words are very kind! It’s nice to open up to people who know what it’s like to have OCD. 🙂

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