Hi to all my friends on here:

 To any of you who have read three blogs back you know what I am talking about. This is just horrible every where I walk or everything I do having to dump on my father everything I did or saw. I feel like a horrible person. There was actually an incident yesterday due to my rage. I had this once before in November of last year. I was crossing a main street coming back from my walk and a guy darted across and almost hit me. He was an older guy. I took my hands and slammed them twice on his car. I went nuts on him.

Not only am I mentally draining myself typing it and editing it as well as reading it to him. I feel I am also a horrible son doing it. He can't take it anymore. I am trying to control it but things keep getting worse. All this OCD is getting to the point between the job that I did not even interview for and being paralyzed by my way of life that I will eventually go nuts and kill myself.  Every mistake I make I tell him how I misread this word and that word. Even when I read things I can't get the story or what postion a player is or the side of their injury right. I just feel like one complete failure.

I think I keep telling him my mistakes so he does not think Marc never wants to work.  He sees and believes that I can't. The only reason I applied for that job was because the last job I had on my resume was five years ago and I was making a bet they would not call me. I think not going  which would have caused more stress by itself has made my OCD worse.  I feel so alone I am just sick of this life. It is horrible I wish it would either change or end.  To sit here and type up a list of what I saw or heard that was unimportant is wrong. I know it is. I just can't help it. Then I told my father about two hockey trades and he asked the normal question and I have a problem recalling details now so I asked do you want the list to get longer? He said no. I said I do not remember. So here I am thinking he is saying what kind of a moron reads something they will not remember? He just figured it would have helped. I then explained that is where my inferiority OCD comes in since I can't remember anything.  I do not think he realized that would trigger it but now I feel that I am expected to know all these things.

I no longer can read a paper because of what it had done to me. I read off and on for close to 10 years different parts then everything. I used to like doing it but I would obsess on how long I was spending per page and if I really understood what I was reading when I did not care for most of it.  I was also telling him things in it like I was doing with the news on the radio later on.

This is my day. Wake up a little before 5AM tell him what went on when I was sleeping on the list.  Start looking at my mail which I made sure I get very little of since I am no longer on most lists I was on before.  I was on one list where the owner sent over 10 emails a day and between reading them and trying to figure out how to respond was for the birds. I then read ESPN at a little after 5AM you can just imagine how much  I really comprehend of  that. I have to do this because where I live the son who is 52 talks all the time and my concentration is horrible as it is so I need silence.  I then start doing scores after I finish. Then I will write up interesting things I saw in the sports as well as scores. After I finish that it is time to weigh myself and get dressed. Of course back to the computer with how I either looped my belt wrong how I took a pair of socks out and the other fell how this or that happened. Finally walking. When I get home from walking all the little things that happened come in the list. Then I am either shopping or waiting for the call at about 8:50 AM. All through out the day I am extrapolating how many words I typed and how long it will be when he calls me at 4:30. So I get freaked out. Today I went to the bank. So right there was almost 600 words. My Grandmother has said if you know it is wrong why do it? I said I can't help it. If I could I would not do it.

I started coming on here again for support and I have been reading do what you have to. That reassurance in my case has led to me make these longer. I was never doing the amount of words I was supposed to do. Maybe a few times I did. But it is getting out of hand and I know it.

 

Again as usual any comments are appreciated.

 

Marc

1 Comment
  1. emorym 12 years ago

    OCD is so difficult to deal with, I do feel for you.  I'm in my battle with it as well.  Try not to be so hard on yourself….it's not wrong to not want to be in mental torment anymore……i would like for that myself.  Wanting it to end is not wrong either, but life is about persevering, even through the most difficult of times……and no one knows about difficult time as much as people with OCD….(okay, that's an opinion…i know pain in life is relative).  Hang in thre…and know you are not alone.

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