What's up, Tribe. This is the first and probably one of the only or last blogs I'll make…Not even into this shit. But I'm reaching a boiling point with this depression shit, and have to vent somehow because no one but a blog outlet will understand. I've been inexplicably and chronically ill for I don't know how long, and it's been a constant burden that I've gotten used to, but I know one should have to be used to pain.

I've always been tired beyond belief, had various symptoms like constant allergy symptoms without a known cause. Just wherever I go, regardless of season or circumstance I always have these symptoms. Besides that, there is heat intolerance, muscle spasms, loss of appetite and weight loss while my body tells me I'm hungry my mind doesn't want to eat. But when I do, it's an unsatisfiable hunger. Like a very confused tape worm.

I went to the doctor for a urinary tract infection, but turns out that's not the case. One doctor suggested kidney failure, another suggested STDs, but there was no sign of any while the symptoms were similar. So I've researched myself, and the best fit illness for my symptoms I've concluded is prostate cancer. lol Prostate cancer? I just turned 21. And while it's rare, it's not impossible for someone my age to have this type of cancer.

Soooo here I am…sick as shit with no explanation…can't get a job, stressed to shit with internal rage issues, depression, anxiety, list goes on. I've bled from pretty much ever orifice of my body, which is not a good sign at all. I feel like I'm falling and I can't grab a hold of anything, just waiting to hit the ground and die a painful death. I will not hurt anybody [who doesn't deserve it], I never have, but I've always been the one to be fucked with.. but my rage and depression and just the "don't give a fuck about shit" aspect of me will force me to do something "stupid". I'm filled with self-loathing and insecurity, so the only person I'm capable of hurting is myself, or anyone who made it a point in my past or present to make my life more miserable than it already is. (Don't worry guys, you're safe. lol)

I don't expect anyone to read this whole thing, or if you do (thanks, btw), I don't expect you to fully understand what I'm going through basically because I haven't even scratched the surface of it and I don't know how to explain myself in words. I need help, but there is no help for me. Think of anything and everything that has every bothered you or made you sad or pissed you off immensely or made your life miserable…Think of all of that since you were old enough to remember, and bottle all that up and never release it. Then you have me. So you might understand why I've reached, or am about to reach, my boiling point. OMG I hope I get hit by a bus when crossing the street. And trust me, if you were in my shoes, you'd probably drive the bus yourself and jump out hoping to be caught under one or all of the wheels… Thanks for listening.

  1. lostsmiles 12 years ago

    wow.is all i can say after i reading this. i can't say that i know what you are going through, but i do know how depression is a debilating disease, and to have other medical issues only make it worse. i have been where you are at. i have suffered from this all my life and nothing seems to work, so i am relying on my faith in God… to bring me out of this. i thought i could find it in love of a man but that has not worked, though i want to be in a meaninful relationship oneday. i can't speak for you and i am not gonna try, but my heart breaks we i read about how others are suffering from this. the fake smiles and pretentious good attitudes only last for so long. i hope and pray God heals you mentally and physically. GOd is a good god. i pray for my mind to be restored as well for you. you are in my prayers, please dont give up…i am sure greatness lies ahead for you, you just got to weather this storm…god bless

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  2. Germane 12 years ago

    Keep writing, you are very articulate and interesting.  Keep writing, keep writing.

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