-On July 18, my grandfather turned 88. I've known him my entire life and have lived with him for a part of it, My mother and I left to pick my brother up fromwork and to go grocery shopping. When we came home we were met by 4 police cars and an ambulance. He had shot himself in the head in his bedroom. He had gotten some bad news reguarding his health and was facing the realities of being placed in a nursing home, so he took matters into his own hands. The next day the crime scene clean-up shows up to take care of the mess, They call the insurance company or however it works and informed us that the cost for disposing of the mattress wasnt covered and it would be over a grand out of pocket. So we tell them forget the mattresses, just clean the blood from the floor. They told us that because the bullet didn't exit his skull and spew blood and brain matter on the walls and ceiling that the insurance would consider the job too small to cover and we'd still have to pay, so my aunt and I resolved to do it ourselves. It took a couple days, the first spent pouring hydrogen peroxide on the stain and using towels and stuff like that to pull the blood out. After that stopped working we rented a carpet cleaner and did the best we could. I'm not working, neither is my mom at the moment. My little brother supports all of us, and its killing me inside.

-I'm not sure why I'm typing all this, ive tried multiple times and always end up deleting it. I need to get these thoughts and feelings out before they kill me. I have no future and thats fine. My minds slipping and thats fine too. Therapy isn't helping and I hate what I've become. I'm an all consuming sack of shit, I hurt more than I help. Its not a cry for attentionor anything at all, its just me. And I've got to live with that for the rest of my life. Just like my grandfather. He was a sexist, racist, sonofabitch.

-I sometimes hope at night that I'll have an aneurysm in my sleep, something painless and easy. Other times when I'm in a car I imagine going off the side of the road into a blazing inferno. Unexpected and won't be burdened with the guilt of leaving my loved ones because im not the one pulling the trigger.

-You'll all think I'm crazy and thats fine too. I guess I really am though. I'm out of tears to cry over stupid shit that won't matter in a hundred years.

-Whats the point at the end of the day?

4 Comments
  1. Lidia 7 years ago

    What a horrible experience to go through. Please feel free to message me and chat anytime. As hard at might seem, please try to stay positive.

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 7 years ago

    Dear Josh,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I was there to hug you. I've "watched" you grow up on here. I know you are in the grips of pain. You need to process your loss. This blog is the first step. One step at a time. I wish for you that life become liveable again. Han in there. ((((((Joshus))))))))) love Mary xx

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  3. telknit23 7 years ago

    What a horrible thing to have to go through.  I’m sorry for your loss and how it’s made your life that much harder.  You said you are useless, yet you and your aunt did all the work of cleanup that the (stupid, heartless) insurance company wouldn’t pay for.  Without you, your mother and brother would have had to do it, and you spared them that.[br][br]  Dealing with OCD and other mental issues is a long-term effort, and periods of backsliding are inevitable.   I know it feels hopeless right now, but it really isn’t.[br][br]   Maybe a different therapist or medication would help? 

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  4. milkdud 7 years ago

    I am sorry you had to endure what you did with your grandpa's actions.  It is really a terrible ordeal, and no one should have to go through that.

    Despite your current state of mind, you are not worthless, and you are not a sack of shit.  What you are is afflicted with trauma of your grandpa's death, as well as being a sufferer of a disease that seems to suck the joy out of everything in your life.  I have had a couple of "stretches" where I felt that I was a burden to all and helpful to none.  The fact is you did not ask for this, you didn't volunteer for a disorder that does what OCD does.  There is help available though.  I don't know your history as far as counseling or meds, but there are people who help, even specialize, in OCD.  Please continue to fight for better days; the road to a better future is found more quickly when you seek it out.  Let me know if you need to talk.

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